Leaked Documents Reveal NSA Spied On Prayers Of Faithful

November 3, 2013 by  
Filed under Politics

NSA

According to a new report out this week in the Italian magazine Panorama, the NSA may have spied on the prayers of millions of faithful during the last Papal Election. The report states that the agency, which is embroiled in a number of scandals, is believed to have been intercepting prayers within the hearts and minds of millions of Catholics made to God during the conclave that saw Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio elected Pope. Jesuit Father Frederico Lombardi, Director of the Holy See Press Office, told EOTT today that he was not concerned with the allegations, saying, “We don’t know anything about this matter, and seriously doubt that it had any impact on the conclave.” But not all Catholics are taking the news in stride. Just this morning in St. Peter’s Square, hundreds of Catholics protested the NSA, calling the NSA’s actions “an invasion of privacy.” “They’ve taken it too far this time!” one protester told reporters. “They spied on our prayers with the idea that if they could understand who Catholics were praying for, that they could get an idea of who was gonna be elected. But I prayed about a lot of personal things during that conclave, and it sickens me to think that people were overhearing those things.” Agency spokesman Vanee Vines told David Gregory on Meet the Press this morning that the idea of spying on prayers is “ludicrous.” “The National Security Agency did not, and does not target the Vatican. Assertions that NSA has targeted the Vatican, published in Italy’s Panorama magazine, are not true. Case closed. And on a related note…seriously, Kevin Spiegle of Omaha, Nebraska? Burke? You actually thought Burke had a shot? Ha!”

  • In related news, one hundred percent of people who spied on the prayers of the faithful as led by lectors during Mass found that their insomnia had been miraculously cured. One government spy, who wished to remain anonymous (good luck with that!) said, “I always thought homilies were long and boring until I was tasked to document the Prayers of the Faithful at St. Speciousus Church for eight consecutive Sundays. The homilies are nothing compared to the lists of things those people pray for by name. I’m surprised there wasn’t a category for ailing houseplants. I mean, come on, people! Haven’t you ever heard of ‘for these and all our intentions this week, we pray to the Lord?'”

    🙂

  • Heinz

    If you have done nothing wrong, then there is nothing to fear.
    It’s only bad for those sinners (i.e. others), so I’m totally fine with the spying.

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