VATICAN CITY––It was announced earlier this afternoon that His Holiness Pope Francis was at a complete and utter loss about what to make of his papacy thus far. The 76-year-old Pontiff told Eye of the Tiber that he had been mulling over the question privately for some time now, but that he had hesitated about asking out of fear that he might appear to be a “bad” Catholic. “I don’t know, I guess it all started when I was up there on the loggia bowing my head and thinking to myself, ‘Jorge Mario Bergoglio…what are you doing?’ Then I went to church without security, I paid my own hotel bill, washed women’s feet, and now I’m like, “I don’t know what I’m gonna do next!’” Reports from aides closest to Francis say that the Pontiff had been asking them odd questions lately, one senior advisor, who preferred to remain anonymous, said that he had been approached by the Pope one day and was quietly asked to consider the question, “Who do the people say that I am?” “At first I thought he was talking about Luke 9:18 when Christ asks that question to his disciples. But when I started to answer, he stopped me and said, ‘No, man…you’re not getting it. I’m literally asking what the people are saying about me.’” In an exclusive interview with Eye of the Tiber just hours ago, Pope Francis made it clear that although he wasn’t yet quite sure of what to make of his “unorthodox” papacy, he was certain about his stance on the big stuff because of all his quotes about gay marriage and the devil and stuff, and would therefore give himself the benefit of the doubt. “But still, I gotta admit that sometimes I get real confused by some of the stuff I do.”
Washington, DC––Vice President Joe Biden announced today that he was stepping down as Vice President just hours after an altercation on the phone between Biden and President Obama regarding the sanctity of life. This comes on the heels of Biden’s visit with with Pope Francis after the conclusion of the pope’s Installation Mass, in which Biden could be heard uttering the words “what have I done…what have I done.” “It appears as though Mr. Biden has had a change of heart with regards to the abortion issue after his meeting with the pope earlier today,” U.S. Press Secretary Jay Carney told the press moments ago. “He [Biden] called President Obama and informed him that he could no longer stand by as millions of babies were aborted. He also said that he had confessed his sins and now looked to remain in good standings with the Church and the good Lord. He also urged President Obama to make peace with God.” Although the full details of the phone conversation have been slow to come out, Washington insiders have said that after a heated debate about when life begins, Biden told President Obama that he was stepping down ”effective immediately” to live a life of prayer and meditation. Biden aides have yet to comment on the details, but have confirmed reports that the former vice president had placed a call to Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI about staying with him until he could get an abandoned monastery of his own to live out the rest of his life. At press time, a bare-chested Biden was seen on his knees outside St. Peter’s Basilica, repeatedly lashing himself as he screamed the words “mea culpa” in reparation for his sins.
VATICAN––Media outlets around the world were quick to speculate about the future of the two day old papacy of Pope Francis earlier this morning after the new pontiff tripped on his way down a step to greet Dean of Cardinals Angelo Sodano. Calling it “The Great Stumble,” many are now speculating whether this could be an “omen” of the 76-year-old Francis’ papacy. “After Benedict’s papacy, which was fraught with gaffes and scandals, many are beginning to look to the stars, so to speak, about where this papacy might be heading,” spokesman for Reuters Debra Heinz told Eye of the Tiber. “Things are obviously starting off on the wrong foot. Definitely a rocky start.” Others in the media are beginning to wonder whether Francis’ age might be taking a toll on him, leading some to speculate that the Church might soon be heading toward yet another abdication. Carla Suarez, an Argentinian studying in Rome, says that she was shocked to hear the news, since Argentinians “are typically quite nimble-footed.” “We’re usually very sure-footed,” Suarez said. “You know…with the Tango and all. I don’t know…this is obviously very embarrassing for my people. I just hope that Papa Francisco is able to prove everyone wrong and lead a good and stable papacy.”
VATICAN–Sadness and a general sense of ennui slowly crept through media outlets, liberal households, and university campuses Wednesday, as the realization became more and more apparent that the Catholic Church had failed yet again to elect its first-ever black, Jewish, woman, lesbian Pope. “I just don’t understand how they can keep screwing up like this,” a dejected Sheperd Smith said as he slouched over a glass of water, slowly dipping his finger into the water and pressing it against his temples. “That’s the problem with the Church today…they choose an Argentinian man when all it ever needed was an Argentian woman…preferably black and lesbian and Jewish…but not Jewish, Jewish…that would defeat the purpose…I’m talking about hollywood Jewish.”
VATICAN CITY–Sources close to Pope Benedict revealed today that the ultimate reason for his resignation was not his old age, but in fact an inability to keep up with the “fabulousness” of the Roman Curia. “The Holy Father is a simple man,” our sources said, “and can’t keep up with the non-stop furniture re-arrangements, the hair stylings, or the near-hourly musical numbers he found himself surrounded by in the Vatican.” The source revealed that, in mid-conversation, members of the Roman Curia often break out into song and dance routines “in order to better express their feelings.” It was apparently this exuberant, flamboyant lifestyle that the Holy Father felt he could not keep up with in his old age. “I mean, just look at the way he dresses. There’s no way he could do mid-air splits in that old cassock. And white is so 2010.” The source added, “I mean, he did pull out the pink chasuble once or twice a year, but that’s not exactly up to speed on the amount of flare expected these days in the Vatican.” The source concluded, addressing the tiny dog he was carrying: “Is it pwincess?”