Unimaginative Priest Celebrates Themeless Mass
San Francisco, CA–Citing a lack of time and energy, as well as feeling the “total absence of the liturgical muse,” local pastor Father Mike Conway this week spent close to no time at all considering a theme for this Sunday’s Mass. “I remember just ten years ago when I could come up here with my jeans and piece of straw in my mouth for a Hillbilly Mass, before changing into a Barney costume for my Children’s Mass,” Conway said, fondly describing a time when the uncharted landscape of Mass themes seemed as boundless as the sea. “Ah, yes…those were days of adventure; days when a priest could become a sort of clerical Columbus, voyaging his own imagination for the most absurd and inventive themes to keep the Mass from getting stale. Indeed, those were the days. But alas, after so many Clown Masses, Superhero Masses, Meme Masses, Luau Masses, World Cup Masses, and Atheist Masses, it seems as though the liturgical muse has hidden himself from mine eyes.” Conway went on to say that he was not the only priest having trouble coming up with new themes and that many had been dipping into old “routines” for years now. “So this week, unfortunately, my flock is going to just have to sit and put up with me wearing vestments and reading from the Missal. Ohh…you know what? Maybe I can have a reverent theme. That might be funny.” At press time, Conway is preparing a Latin themed Mass, in which everything would be said in Latin, and everyone would be dressed as centurions.