Friend’s Excuses For Not Making It To Mass Getting Pretty Elaborate

September 22, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Pittsburgh, PA–– After having skipped Mass for 11 out of the past 13 Sundays, local Catholic Michael Fremont’s excuses for why he has skipped Mass have become more and more elaborate, sources are confirming. Fremont, who reportedly says he would go to Mass every day if time and circumstances permitted, has now begun to offer concerned Catholic friends extravagant stories filled with intricate... Read More

Search Intensifies For Missing Reverence During Mass

July 7, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Sev Samer 2

Sierra Nevada–More than five dozen searchers scoured the Sierra Nevada foothills for the missing reverence at a Mass at the Church of St. Margaret Mary Alacoque yesterday. Reverence was due to appear promptly for the 9am Mass, but two hours after the Mass had concluded, a search began with helicopters, including a National Guard Blackhawk, looking for any signs of reverence. Using thermal... Read More

Uruguayan Pastor Bites Rival Priest During Mass

June 25, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

New York, NY—Just a day after Uruguay star Luis Suarez allegedly bit Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini at the World Cup, Uruguayan born priest, Father Roldolfo Pontet, is now being investigated for biting a rival priest during a morning Mass in New York. The USCCB said early today that its disciplinary committee has opened proceedings against Pontet. If the Uruguayan priest, already banned twice... Read More

USCCB Announces Publication Of New Mad Libs Missal

May 8, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

In hopes of providing the nation’s Catholic priests a way to follow the Missal, while at the same time preserving the creative outlet some need to prevent boredom, the USCCB announced today the publication of an all-new Mad Libs Roman Missal. The new Missal, due out next month, allows the presiding priest to insert the adverbs and adjectives he feels best fits the mood of that particular day. “There’s... Read More

5-Year-Old Parishioner Thinks Being Removed From Mass During Homily For Children’s Ministry A Complete Load Of Bull Crap

April 7, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Beaverton, OR–Speaking to a group of children gathered in a room next to St. Margret Catholic Church in Beaverton, Oregon this Sunday, 5-year-old parishioner Jacob Kelting expressed his frustration at having to be “herded” out of church and into the Children’s Ministry Room. Kelting reported that the idea that children should be removed from the splendor of the Mass just to color in... Read More

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