Spokane, Washington–Expressing sadness for the lack of attention from parishioners during Sunday Masses, Gonzaga University priest Fr. John Conti has recently instituted an all new ”Text-Message-Only Mass.” The Gonzaga graduate who just celebrated his 15th anniversary of priesthood told reporters that the idea came to him as he sat listening to the deacon read the epistle. “I looked out and saw all these college kids reading texts messages on their phones,” Conti said. ”That’s when I knew the Church needed to catch up or risk being left behind, so to speak. So I figured, heck, if they’re already on their phones, might just be easier to text them the prompts and they can just text back the responses.” Conti went on to say that people can think of the new approach to the Mass as a “Novus Ordo Low Mass,” in that it’s quiet throughout the Mass, but that the text messages are in the vernacular rather than Latin. 20-year-old Ganzaga junior Jane Douglas told Eye of the Tiber that the Text-Message-Only Mass has made her enjoy going to Mass again. “It’s sorta awesome now. Last Sunday I was texting my boyfriend and I got this text that was all like ‘Th Lord b W u,’ and I was all texting back like, ‘n w ur spirit ; ),’ and then I went back to texting my boyfriend, and we decided we’d just go pick up my roommate Sarah and then go to the BYOB bonfire. I guess it’s just kinda cool to know you don’t have to leave your social life just cause your at church.” Conti says that if it weren’t for the distribution of the Eucharist, he would be happy to have the Mass go completely virtual. “I like to call it ‘e-fellowship.’”
Baker, OR–Female Parishioners at St. John Bosco Parish in Baker, Oregon have sent a letter to Bishop Liam Cary accusing their pastor Fr. Maurice Alvarez as well as Deacon Bob Ley of sexism and chauvinism. The one-page complaint letter alleges, among other things, that Alvarez “sits back in the rectory with Deacon Bob every Sunday before Mass, laughing it up, while the women are made to dress the altar and do all the little things around the church.” Beverly Rapkin, who drafted the letter to Cary, told Eye of the Tiber this afternoon that Alvarez had never even once asked if they could use an extra hand. “It’s not that we even really need their help,” Rapkin said. “They’d probably just get in the way anyway. All we want is them to ask once in a while. Maybe some recognition or a thank you.” Rapkin went on to retorically ask Eye of the Tiber if this was the 50′s, and if not, then why all the men should just sit arournd while the women slave over an altar. At press time, Deacon Bob was apologizing, profusely, even though Beverly knows full well that he doesn’t just sit around all day, and that she wouldn’t be so upset if she could see the stress he was under at work.
Toronto, Canada––Pastor of St. Dwenden Catholic Church in Toronto, Canada Ben Gregory was forced to postpone the consecration for nearly two hours early Sunday morning after lead usher Kevin Sarkosy was unsuccessful in locating anyone willing to bring up the bread and wine for the presentation of the gifts at Mass. “Obviously the presentation is as important to the Mass as the consecration is…everyone knows that,” Sarkosy told Eye of the Tiber as he and three others searched, frantically, for a willing family to present the gifts. “In fact, I go as far as to say that the laity’s role in presenting the gifts is as important as Father Gregory’s is in consecrating it. Without Mary’s Fiat, after all, there is no Jesus to be born; and without the laity’s Fiat in presenting, there is no bread to become Jesus…if you think about like that.” Sarkosy went on to report that everyone was acting very peculiar as he approached them to ask whether they would be interested in participating. “They all had their heads down…like they were praying or something,” Sarkosy chuckled. “I mean, me and my wife would’ve done it, of course, except that we had the money baskets to carry.
Las Vegas, NV––Citing a large demand for his Folk Mass illusion, part-time magician Fr. George Richmond of Las Vegas, Nevada told reporters Sunday that he would begin to perform the trick every Sunday at 9:00 am. “I remember last time I performed the illusion, I was able to make nearly every one of my parishioners disappear,” said Richmond, noting that he has many other tricks as well, including Clown Mass and Gay Mass illusions. ”The Folk Mass, though, is my favorite, and easily one of the most difficult for me to successfully perform.” Richmond later noted his inability to make anyone above the age of 50 or 60 disappear. “I’m still at a loss at what I’m doing wrong there. I’m only able to make a few of the older generation parishioners vanish during the trick, whereas every young person in attendance vanishes as expected. Another issue is that I still haven’t found a way to make anyone reappear after the trick is completed. It’s kinda like sawing the woman in half and forgetting how to make her whole again.”
West Bloomfield, MI––A source out of St. Ulric Catholic Church in West Bloomfield, Michigan confirmed Sunday that parishioner Alexander Ramsey had not lifted a finger to assist in putting up or down the kneeler for the consecration. “I can see he’s a really big guy, but come on…I know he can reach down a foot,” the source told Eye of the Tiber. “Or just use your foot, for goodness sakes. It’s not difficult…look,” he said, going on to show how it was done, putting it up then down, then up again and down again. “Oh, how hard and straining that was,” he said, mockingly, as he wiped invisible sweat from his forehead. “Look, I’m not an idiot,” the source later confirmed. “I know exactly what’s going on here. Every time I reach down for the kneeler he moves his hand toward the kneeler as if he was just about to do it. It’s alright. He may think he can pull one over on me, but he can’t pull one over God.”