“Screw It, Just Canonize Them All,” The Vatican Says

May 9, 2014 by  
Filed under Vatican

VATICAN––The Vatican this morning is announcing that every pope that has ever lived, including ones still living, is to be canonized by the end of the year, sources are confirming.

The news comes just a week after John XXIII and John Paul II were canonized, and a day after it was announced that Paul VI was to be beatified later this year.

A Vatican insider told EOTT today that Pope Francis awoke earlier this morning shouting, “Canonize them all! Canonize them all!”

“He woke up in hysterics, telling everyone he passed that he wanted to canonize all the popes who came before him,” the insider said. “He said that by knocking out all the popes at once, that it would give him time to focus all his energy on the Church Militant.”

Speaking from his grave this morning, Pope Alexander VI, known by many historians to be the worst pope of all time, said that he couldn’t believe the news when he heard it. “Get the hell out of here! Oops, sorry about that. But seriously?”

Although the date of the canonizations has yet to be announced, Vatican officials said that since the requirement for miracles had been waived, they hope to canonize everyone by November.

  • Peter Williams

    Sancto Subito Omnes!

  • Timothy Adams

    LOL

  • Conscience PFLI

    THE DUMBING DOWN OF sanctity

    • Darran McDonnell

      It’s satire, don’t worry!

  • afrosam

    Intra omnes!

  • Maggie Sullivan

    Cardinal Kasper just came out and said Francis believes 50% of canonizations are invalid! But then Francis said we need to redistribute canonizations to all people no matter if they have earned them or not!

    • imabitterclinger2

      Ha! Actually CNN reported it.

      • Bud

        Did they really? wouldn’t surprise me.

  • Lee Bacchi

    There are probably a few others besides Alexander VI who could be nominated for “Worst Pope in History”!

    • Pedro Dias

      No one beats Benedict IX, or Julius II…

  • Lee Bacchi

    If I remember correctly, about 1/3 of our 266 popes are canonized saints, and most of those from the first millennium. The only pope-saints from the 20th century are Pius X, John XXIII, John Paul II. Paul VI would make it 4, if I am correct. Can anyone corroborate or correct?

    Anyway — terrific satire!! Thanks, EOTT!!

    • Thibaud313

      According to Wikipedia, 80 out 266 Popes are canonized saints, 73 of them from the first millennium (53% of first millenium Popes), only 7 from the second millennium (6% of second millenium Popes) (including, BTW, saint Celestine V, the last Pope to have resigned (1294) until Benedict XVI…). There are also 10 beatified Popes (from Bl. Victor III (1086-1087) to Bl. Pius IX (1846-1878), 2 Popes declared Venerables (the last stage until being beatified) (Ven. Pius XII (1939-1958) and Ven. Paul VI (1963-1978) and 3 Popes declared Servants of God (the penultimate stage until being beatified) (Servant of God Benedict XIII (1724-1730), Servant of God Pius VII (1800-1823) and Servant of God John Paul I (1978)).

      That gives us 95 Popes who are canonized or officially on their way to canonization, or about 36% of all Popes.

      Out of the 8 Popes of the 20th century, we have (until Ven. Paul VI’s beatification) 3 canonized Popes (St Pius X, St John XXIII, St John Paul II), 2 Venerable Popes and 1 Servant of God, which gives us an impressive 75% of 20th century Popes either canonized or on their way to canonization.

      And upon learning of Pope Francis’ decision to canonize all Popes, Pope Liberius (352-366), the only one out of the first 49 Popes to NOT be canonized yet, had this to say : “It’s about freaking time !”.

  • Jeffrey Fitzpatrick

    I love it xD

  • Susan

    Hahaha! One of the best yet.

  • soulshepherdess, STS

    Will this include Pope Joan?

    • Thibaud313

      Yes Pope Francis also plans on canonizing fake and fictional Popes. This includes Popess Joan, of course, but also the evil Pope from Angels and Demons and the Space Pope from Futurama, among many others.

  • Thomas A. Szyszkiewicz

    Does this include all the anti-popes, like the first John XXIII?

    • guest

      The holy father is reported to have clarified this concern by declaring “who am I to judge”

  • Patrik Heikkilä

    Why not save some time and canonize Francis right now

  • fredx2

    Alexander Pope is reported to be puzzled, but pleased.

    • Fr. Michael W. Magiera

      So is Scandal’s Olivia Pope.