Friend’s Excuses For Not Making It To Mass Getting Pretty Elaborate

September 22, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Pittsburgh, PA–– After having skipped Mass for 11 out of the past 13 Sundays, local Catholic Michael Fremont’s excuses for why he has skipped Mass have become more and more elaborate, sources are confirming.

Fremont, who reportedly says he would go to Mass every day if time and circumstances permitted, has now begun to offer concerned Catholic friends extravagant stories filled with intricate details about why he had to miss Mass.

“Michael used to just say that he had slept in,” said longtime friend Paula Redlitz. “But once he had used that excuse a few times, he began coming up with new ones every Sunday. First it started with his car not starting. Then he said that he had to deliver a baby in the middle of gridlock traffic. One time he said that his dog ate his bible. I called him out on this one saying that we’re not protestants and don’t bring our bibles to Mass. I remember he just said, ‘Oh, yeah…I meant my missal….my dog ate my missal.’”

Other friends of Fremont say that at first the excuses were frustrating, but that after getting used to them, they had to admit that they were actually becoming pretty impressive. “We all had to admit that he was really talented,” said Robert Koker, a childhood friend of Fremont. “One time he said that he had gotten up on time for Mass, but realized that he had no clue about what happened the night before and that he had had a massive headache. He told me that he forgot where his car was. He was also wondering why he had a tattoo on his face and why there was a tiger in his hotel bathroom.”

Koker went on to report that he had once seen three large stacks of what looked like 3rd or 4th drafts of excuses sitting on Fremont’s desk at home. “It was amazing. There were all these details like times and people’s names and descriptions of things like the weather and temperature. He had all these fabricated details he wanted to memorize so that no one would ever catch him in his lies. Even his walls were covered with images of people and places with red strings connecting different pictures like the walls of a serial killer. One of the stories I saw before he walked in on me had an image of himself dressed like Rambo, and he was riding a unicorn over a rainbow as he shot members of ISIS with a machine gun. I can’t wait to hear that one. I suppose that’d be a legit excuse to miss Mass.”