Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI Asks To Be Reinstated As Pope

September 25, 2014 by  
Filed under Vatican

According to reports yesterday, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI is seeking the chair of his pontificate years after his resignation. The news has sent shock waves around the world.

Vatican spokesman Fr. Vitateli Devitiamani told EOTT that, “He came for a dinner as scheduled and then proceeded to return to his old living quarters. That wouldn’t be a problem, since His Holiness Pope Francis chose to live elsewhere and so the room is open. However, once we asked him where he was going, he simply said, ‘I’m back,’ then proceeded to put his sunglasses on even though we were inside.”

Sources say that the next morning, he walked down the hall asking for his valet and his red Prada shoes, and was overheard asking an adviser to “get Burke on the line.”

This comes years after his official resignation from the Holy See, and EOTT had the chance to sit down with the Pope Emeritus to discuss the ordeal.

“You have to understand that, months ago, I received a call from Word of Fire Catholic Ministries. It was Fr. Steve Grunow on the phone along with his colleague Jared Zimmerer. They’re both serious about the care of the body and the mind, and offered to help me regain some strength in both. I gratefully accepted. So, after years of training, I’ve lost weight, regained my muscle mass and strength of mind. I’ve never felt better. And to tell you the truth, I never actually filed the paperwork to officially exit my office,” Benedict said just outside the Bernini Columns where he proceeded to flick a lit cigarette into a barrel full of gasoline and walk away as the barrel exploded.

At press time, Benedict still hasn’t looked back at the massive explosion.

  • Andy

    Jared, you’ve hit the Big Time! This is like the Catholic blogosphere equivalent of a cameo on the Simpsons.

  • Joseph Morinello

    The. Shoes. Are. Not. Made. By. Prada. However, the rest of the article is spot on!

    • Mike Dross

      Not quite. You can’t light gasoline with a cigarette. The embers don’t burn hot enough. A smoking nerd showed me.

    • Eduardo Bodnar

      The article is specifically mocking that false rumour.

  • Suzy

    How I wish!

  • T. Audrey Glamour

    Wow, he sure looks great in that photo!

    Is it possible to have an update on the explosion?

  • Bobadilla

    Ya can’t keep a good pontiff down.

    • I just posted the lyrics above, and I see this post I did myself two years ago.

      Oh, well…

  • Peter

    That would be the best news i have ever heard… The most holy Catholic Church needs him back, we need a Pope who knows he is catholic and repesents the seat of Peter, not this person who has caused nothing but division and controversy.. He is no Pope nor is he humble..

    • Kathryn A. O’Keefe

      … You realize that this is satire, right?

      • Allie Toner

        Tee hee. But it’s a chance for some of us to express what we really feel, as we get censored and have our posts removed on sites like CAF. Accused of being “uncharitable.”

        • AEA

          So true!

    • andreswellis

      So say the Scribes and Pharisees. God bless Benedict and God bless Pope Francis. I am grateful to the Holy Spirit for both!

    • Lee Bacchi

      Now, now, Peter . . .

    • Paul Schilling

      Peter, let’s not forget my friend that the Pope is still a man. Lest we forget Peter’s three time denial of Our Lord, his quarrels with Paul, because the Jerusalem church says so, and his cold feet which lead to his Quo Vadis statement on the road OUT of Rome. Leo Mc Kern put it very simply in the Shoes of the Fisherman that the road of the Papacy is lonely like the climb up Calvary, for every Pope he must climb it alone.

    • Angelo Thomas Joseph Marsico

      He is the valid pope, his resignation was invalid, if the cardinals actually knew their Latin they would be able to tell, in form it’s also invalid, a pope can’t keep and give away some of his authority, Benedict is true pope, he will be exiled like the prophecies say

      • Lee Bacchi

        I would really like to see a detailed explanation and proof of the claims your post, Guest. Unless you are satirizing the satire.

        • Anton Goos

          Funny, isn’t it, how such a funny article brings up such reactions? Lee, I agree with you. Above all, to live is to change, to be perfect is to have changed often (A development of Christian Doctrine, Cardinal Newman), which means, as both these Popes show, they both have been and are, building on the fundament laid by their predecessors. God bless them both and you 🙂

    • Ginkgo100

      Are you some kind of sedevacantist or something? Who died and appointed you to the College of Cardinals?

      • Catholicon

        iMay steal/Usurp the “Who died and appointed you to the College of Cardinals?” line and use it…..FYI

    • Allie Toner

      Francis is no liberal either: he is the biggest reactionary, wanting to go back to the 1960’s and 1970’s. Go back to Vatican II instead of preparing for Vatican III. And turning this synod into the tower of Babel with it’s multiplicity of languages, rather than using the one language of Latin.

  • Bud

    Back in White, you mean.

  • Philippa Martyr

    Later on there was a fist-fight, and Cardinal Dolan got thrown through a plate-glass window.

  • Susan Peterson

    He of course would not do this. But how I wish to have him back!

  • fredx2

    Pope Francis, meanwhile, was last seen behind a column in St. Peters racking his Uzi, and spitting out orders to his henchmen. “I knew I should have never trusted Ganswein!” he snarled.

  • Leo Cleary

    Impressive

  • Leo Cleary

    Don’t the other girls with Benedict look cute?

  • Joe G

    HAHA love the humor here!!! Great article guys… and to the person who said Pope Francis has caused division etc etc… YOU REALLY NEED TO GET OUT MORE!

  • Lee Bacchi

    Excellent satire! Jared and Fr. Steve have hit it big!!!

  • I shall not comment on this one.

    • John Kloess

      Methinks I’ve found an imposter.

    • Allie Toner

      Luv ya and miss ya!

  • Paul Schilling

    I wonder if Benedict will be the fulfillment of St. Malachy’s prophesy and the return of Christ.

    • hanntonn

      ha ha. You know you’re paranoid right?

  • Sharon K Erdely

    I don’t think the Catholic Church has ever faced anything like this.

    • Allie Toner

      Sure they have. Popes Alexander VI, Pope Leo X….

  • standtall909

    Wondering if it would be ‘out of line’ for us to pray that this might ‘ACTUALLY HAPPEN’ some day?

  • standtall909

    Although realizing that this is satire……at the same time, it was kind of cruel.

  • PureCatholic

    O.O……… I though that was Bruce Willis at first

  • Bob

    Many Catholics would welcome Pope Benedict back!

    • naturgesetz

      Love your selfie, Bob.

    • Allie Toner

      You bet!

    • Paul Joseph C

      AMEN, AMEN +++

  • Bob

    Pope Francis does seem to be the Obama of pontiffs.

    • Even if this were true, it would be better than being the pontiff of Obama.

      • Skyler von Enn

        You’re my hero.

        • I am flattered; nevertheless I’m in need of your prayers, for they are the only way to help save heroes. And please offer some for Francis, too. I do.

    • Allie Toner

      And the Millard Fillmore

    • Allie Toner

      Hey, I LIKE Obama!

      • Deacon Joseph Pasaquella

        Obama is an antichrist. He has done his best to destroy our nation.

        • Perrier

          Even more true a year later, and thank heavens he is finally gone.

  • I wish…

  • WayfarinStranger

    I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…. getting our hopes up like that, you should be ashamed. (Nothing against Pope Francis.)

    Philippa, I want to know who you think could possibly heft Big Tim through a window – it would take the entire Swiss Guard. (Although perhaps Cardinal Egan has also been using his retirement to get in shape – he’s a big guy.)

  • TJP

    Quentin Tarantino can direct the movie in the Kill Bill style.

  • Katalina

    Although this is probably a joke, I have been wondering lately what does Benedict think about all the confusion and decision in the Church since Francis was elected? What about his Latin Mass letter being ignored and the FFI debacle? Or the demotion of Burke? He could easily decide the Church is in a state of Emergency and have no choice but to come back to straighten things out even though he is older now. He’s always been concerned with the good of the Church and Besides I do think he was actually forced out prematurely by the Modernists .

    • Allie Toner

      I bet Benedict could get up a gigantic group of followers. Francis is irking more people than just me.

      • hanntonn

        You guys are funny.

        • Allie Toner

          Yo ho yo ho! Tee hee and a big sneaky giggle! Truth is, I sure wish Joe Ratzinger would come back. Will it really happen? Nah… booo hooo

  • Katalina

    Although this a joke the Pope Emeritus was seen today briefly at a Grandparents event at St Peter’s the third time this year he has been publicly see. I am sure he is not happen with all the division and confusion caused by the current pope, If he feels that the Church is in a State of Emergency he could decide to come out of his retirement and claim Francis is harming the Church. I believe he WAS forced out due to the strange announcement and how it was done with no advance warning.

  • Jim Climo

    What a pathetic group of “followers ” . The cathlic church would be cleaned out by Christ , as in his temper tantrum in temple .millikns of people abdicate thier power to these enourmouse egoes . Humility is an inside job .same as greed !

  • Melodie

    I agree with the comment someone made that this is “Satire,” but, how scary would this really be? Makes you wonder and worry about WHO could be whispering in SOMEONES ear.

  • kag1982

    I think that Pope Emeritus Benedict makes a very good retired pope. In fact, it saddens me that he didn’t decide to retire earlier. Perhaps in 2005 right after JPII died. Then we would have been spared lots of headaches like the whole SSPX debacle and the Resenburg speech. And it is pretty clear that Benedict enjoys not being pope; pity someone didn’t tell him about the benefits of this in 2005. As an added benefit, Bergoglio would have probably won so we would have gotten Papa Bergoglio eight years earlier.

    • Thank you for your humbling appraisal!

    • hanntonn

      Yeah, but the Church wasn’t ready for pope Francis 8 years ago. And maybe, Bergoglio himself wasn’t ready back then.

  • William Cosby

    Lmaooo. “The paperwork” to officially exit Office? Lol, like Jesus handed Peter the Keys and also “the Paperwork,” just in case they needed that exit procedure in place?

    That explosion part sounds about right tho. Cool guys never look at explosions.

  • fenimore

    Just so long as he leaves Eddie Egan back in the Big Apple

  • Cajun

    Somewhere in this, there’s a screenplay about a conflicted Swiss Guard Captain…anyone have Dan Brown’s cell number?

  • mahrt

    This is not believable; the Vatican would not leave an open barrel of gasoline by the Bernini columns.

  • As much as I wish it were true… But the Photoshop job in the comments on this is epic. Fire, explosions, and Pope Benedict–what’s not to love? XD

  • Guest

    We are hoping for Pope Benedict XVI to take charge of the Catholic and Apostolic Church of Rome. Without him, the schism will be unavoidable.

  • Guest

    Here is a cool image —

  • Paul Joseph C

    We are hoping for Pope Benedict XVI to take charge of the Catholic and
    Apostolic Church of Rome. Without him, the schism will be unavoidable.

  • Carlos Felsen

    Epic

  • SnowCherryBlossoms

    Stooooop, my stomach hurts I’m crying loooooooooool!

  • Joy Niklas O F-s

    if only

  • jimofolym

    I miss Benedict and I’m not even Catholic!

  • Stinky Lebinowitz

    Well that was toooooo much fun, even if for just a few brief minutes.

  • Following in the footsteps of Benedict IX, ha ha.

  • Michael S Clifford

    I knew it! Antipope Francis is an IMPOSTOR!

  • “Cause I’m back

    Yes I’m back

    Well I’m back back

    Yes I’m back in black”