VATICAN––Media outlets around the world were quick to speculate about the future of the two day old papacy of Pope Francis earlier this morning after the new pontiff tripped on his way down a step to greet Dean of Cardinals Angelo Sodano. Calling it “The Great Stumble,” many are now speculating whether this could be an “omen” of the 76-year-old Francis’ papacy. “After Benedict’s papacy, which was fraught with gaffes and scandals, many are beginning to look to the stars, so to speak, about where this papacy might be heading,” spokesman for Reuters Debra Heinz told Eye of the Tiber. “Things are obviously starting off on the wrong foot. Definitely a rocky start.” Others in the media are beginning to wonder whether Francis’ age might be taking a toll on him, leading some to speculate that the Church might soon be heading toward yet another abdication. Carla Suarez, an Argentinian studying in Rome, says that she was shocked to hear the news, since Argentinians “are typically quite nimble-footed.” “We’re usually very sure-footed,” Suarez said. “You know…with the Tango and all. I don’t know…this is obviously very embarrassing for my people. I just hope that Papa Francisco is able to prove everyone wrong and lead a good and stable papacy.”
VATICAN CITY–Media outlets around the world are buzzing with speculation this evening after viewing images showing Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI’s zucchetto nearly blowing off his head before the former pontiff entered the helicopter taking him to Castle Gondolfo. The 85-year-old former Pope was seen desperately clutching his signature white zucchetto as a gentle gust of wind pressed against him, nearly tipping the skullcap off his head, and now leading some to speculate about what really happened. “Wind has always been a symbol of the breath of God,” CNN correspondent Raymond Morales reported just hours ago. “So perhaps God was trying to send the world a message when he attempted to blow away Benedict’s zucchetto.” Morales went on to say that it was eerily similar to the day that Benedict XVI announced his resignation, and God showed his disapproval of him by using an unbalanced electric charge in the atmosphere to create a massive electrostatic lightening discharge that eventually struck the top of St. Peter’s. “That was obviously a divine condemnation of the Church’s intolerance…that we know for sure. Is this zucchetto incident a direct condemnation of Benedict himself? We’re still trying to piece that together.”
VATICAN CITY–Sources close to Pope Benedict revealed today that the ultimate reason for his resignation was not his old age, but in fact an inability to keep up with the “fabulousness” of the Roman Curia. “The Holy Father is a simple man,” our sources said, “and can’t keep up with the non-stop furniture re-arrangements, the hair stylings, or the near-hourly musical numbers he found himself surrounded by in the Vatican.” The source revealed that, in mid-conversation, members of the Roman Curia often break out into song and dance routines “in order to better express their feelings.” It was apparently this exuberant, flamboyant lifestyle that the Holy Father felt he could not keep up with in his old age. “I mean, just look at the way he dresses. There’s no way he could do mid-air splits in that old cassock. And white is so 2010.” The source added, “I mean, he did pull out the pink chasuble once or twice a year, but that’s not exactly up to speed on the amount of flare expected these days in the Vatican.” The source concluded, addressing the tiny dog he was carrying: “Is it pwincess?”
Albany, NY––Just days after he shocked the world by announcing his decision to retire at the end of the month, it is now being reported that Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he has, after much reflection, “decided to stay on board.” The decision was announced inside the slumbering brain of 26-year-old Catholic Robert Griffith just moment ago inside what appeared to be the Papal Palace, but in all actuality felt like it was his parents’ home back in Iowa, even though they don’t live there anymore. “I have decided to reverse my decision to resign from the papacy,” the Pontiff reportedly told a gathering of reporters that appeared in the form of jackasses. “According to Fr. Fessio, ‘The time of giants will be over for a while,’ but I say, ‘not so fast, cowboy.’” The Pontiff, who appeared younger and full of energy, while for some reason resembling Jake Thompson, who sat next to Griffith in 6th grade Biology went on to ask all of the jackass reporters to “Just pretend that this week never happened.” At press time, Griffith had awoken to the sound of gardeners mowing the lawn, and the sad reality that his liberal friends were still happy.