Pope’s New Crossguard Lightsaber Crosier Stirring Up Controversy With Liturgical Purists

December 3, 2014 by  
Filed under Mass

VATICAN — Vatican television took the liturgical world by storm last Friday by giving Catholics their very first official look at a short teaser trailer from the upcoming papal Christmas Mass.

Focusing much of the trailer on new cantors and deacons that will play a role in the Mass, the 88-second Christmas Mass teaser had many excited about Christmas. But along with those feelings of Christmas ecstasy came some controversy with liturgical purists about the Pope’s unique new crossgaurd lightsaber crosier, which has consequently polarized many die-hard fans of the Mass.

Many of the complaints and cynicism stem from the belief that the new crosier is just a cheap Vatican “it looks cool” thought process and that having these side-angled blades would just put the Pope at risk of cutting himself during the entrance procession.

“Popes haven’t had crosiers like this before, so why now?” asked one blogger. “It’s gotta be to sell more merchandise. It’s Christmas season after all and the Church could be using this as a way to sell more of their line of papal action figures.”

Many say that the “Crosier 2.0” has a major flaw in the design, saying that the light emitter sticks out  inches before the laser quillion begins on each side of the crosier, meaning that the little emitters could simply be severed off if it came in contact with another crossguard lightsaber crosier, and if that crosier were to slide down the main shaft.

The Vatican has come out in defense of the new crosier, with an inside source saying that there is no chance of severing off the side emitters because a Mass typically does not have more than one person carrying a crosier. He also went on to explain why the crosier’s cross guard works.

“The crosier lightsaber beam goes all the way through the handle so even if you cut off the metal, the beam is still there. It’s really not that hard to figure out.”

  • Timothy Adams

    HAHAHAHAHA YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • This. This just made my evening.

  • Veronica

    Has anyone asked Yoda what HE thinks?

    • Wildgraywolf

      He’s on a cloistered sabbatical until the spring of 2016.

  • Shaun McAfee

    The picture alone is better than the trailer

    • Daniel Diaz

      Where’s the trailer?

  • Dsarker

    Cross/guard/, not crossgaurd.

  • DinoMack

    hope the rag-head muzzdogs are ready to get their asses kicked now!

  • maybe I’ll buy one Papal action figure this time…

  • Matt Kososki


  • T. Audrey Glamour

    Not to worry! Msgr. Guido Marini will have any slip-ups covered. As he did when Benedict was pope:


    • fredx2

      As can be clearly seen in this video, Benedict used the original cross guard saber. As usual. Francis is taking credit in a splashy way for things Benedict already did.

    • manboobs

      the cross is trying to run away from that pope dude man joke

  • I am booking an order for 5 of those in the morning

  • TheRealAaron

    I assume the “inside source” was Colbert.

  • wlinden

    Eye of the Tiber’s “crossgaurd” headline stirring up controversy with spelling purists.

  • David Standeven

    A JP II cross with lightsabers? Knowing the propensity JP II crosses have for causes of death, this sounds dangerous…

    -ly AWESOME!

    I call for a crossier lightsaber battle between Walter Kasper and Richard Williamson. No matter who loses, we win!

  • Juan Horsetown

    Pope Francis said in this morning’s homily that Liturgical purists are “nerf herders.”

  • Daniel Diaz

    Whats the link to the video?

  • Chris Nunez

    And all Catholics know how important the liturgy is, right down to every symbol!
    May the Force be with you!
    “And with your spirit also!”

  • ProIsrael

    The trailer is 88 seconds long? Or Heil Hitler?

  • GO’MH

    And the new commander of the Swiss Guard said, “Halberds? we don’ need no stinkin’ halberds”

  • Lee Bacchi

    LOL!!! LOL!!!

  • HermitTalker

    get a LIFE extremist rubricists not actual LITURGISTS

  • ithakavi

    The computer animated hologram of the Holy Ghost descending on the host will especially enthuse the German and Italian Cardinals.

  • Wildgraywolf

    Well, all I have to say is if the Franciscans can be responsible for proper installation of the Stations of the Cross then naturally the Jedi Monks should be responsible for proper installation of all of the Churches liturgical and devotional light sabers.

  • Filip Hron

    Well.. No longer Swiss Guards, rather Swiss-troopers from now on..

  • pegleggreg

    ++Burke has given his OK; so long as the cope has a train more than 25 feet long