Catholic Anti-Vaxxer Doesn’t Trust Doctors Of The Church

February 21, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

In response to criticisms from friends for her decision to not immunize her children from long-eradicated heresies, local Catholic anti-vaxxer Cheri Allen told EOTT this morning that, though the Doctors of the Church were entitled to their opinion, it was ultimately her right to choose by what means she would catechize her children. “Here’s the thing—I’m obviously not a Doctor of the Church, but I have read a lot about this online,... Read More

Man Disappointed After Witnessing Attractive Woman In Third Pew Holding Hands During Our Father

February 20, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

While visiting a new parish last Sunday, 24-year-old Dominic Newman reported seeing an attractive woman seated several pews ahead of him, whom he had been chastely eyeing as a potential wife. His quickly escalating dreams of marrying her and raising a good Catholic family were hopelessly dashed, though, after catching her in the disgraceful act of holding hands during the Our Father. “That was, to say the least, a huge let down,” Newman... Read More

Local Man Pretty Confident He Just Scored A Relic Of St. Michael the Archangel

January 15, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Gazing in compete awe and wonder, local Catholic Herbert Shepherd was reportedly astonished Tuesday after finding what he believed to be a first class relic of St. Michael the Archangel while sitting on a park bench. “I was sitting, eating my lunch and minding my own business when, what should fall from the sky and land beside me—a white feather.” Shepherd told EOTT, adding that he remembered a flock of birds flying above him as he dropped to... Read More

Study: Yes, God Loves You, But That Doesn’t Necessarily Mean He Likes You

January 10, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Confirming the centuries-old belief that God, for some weird reason, loves everyone, researchers at the Vatican said this morning that they now believe that that fact does not necessarily mean that he likes everyone. “Our latest data proves beyond a reasonable doubt that there are a ton of pricks out there,” said lead researcher Dr. Luigi Antonello, adding that researchers found that there was seriously no way in the world that anyone, even God,... Read More

Report: God Cares More About Your Team Winning Than Anything Else In The World

January 8, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  A team of the most renowned theologians in the world gathered in Hamburg, Germany this week to discuss the importance of your favorite team as it relates to God’s plan for humanity have confirmed that the Lord does, in fact, care about nothing more than your team winning the big game. The report stated that prayers said to God for your favorite team to absolutely decimate the other team in this week’s big match up was the most important thing God... Read More

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