Report: Apostles Probably Smelled Pretty Nasty

May 15, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

According to a report by historians at the University of Dallas Tuesday, all twelve of the apostles most likely smelled “pretty darn nasty.” The report states that, though it is not intended to insult the disciples of Jesus, fact remains that they most definitely stank like holy hell, and that, had not everyone else at the time also reeked, no one would have come within two miles of them to hear the Good News of Jesus Christ. The historians... Read More

Game Of Thrones Starbucks Cup Reportedly To Appear Nude In Season Finale

May 8, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Explaining that the long-awaited appearance of the Starbucks cup during last week’s episode of Game of Thrones was “not at all an accident,” one of the show’s executive producers Bernie Caulfield told viewers on Conan last night that there was “plenty more to see in the coming weeks.” “We’ve always prided ourselves in giving our fans the unexpected, and this was no exception,” Caulfield said, trying her best not reveal any secrets.... Read More

Theaters Across America To Hold Vigil Showings Of “Avengers: Endgame” For Faithful Who Cannot Attend Holy Day Showings On Friday

April 25, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

In anticipation of large crowds for Marvel’s Avengers: Endgame, theater managers from across the country have announced that they will be holding vigil showings for the faithful who cannot attend holy day showings. “We are very excited about all the zeal and enthusiasm that we have seen for this movie,” said 16-year-old Regal Cinema manager Craig Livingston. “So, to help accommodate those who cannot make it to holy day... Read More

Easter Worshiper Converts To Christianity

April 24, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

In a surprise announcement to friends and family, local Easter Worshiper Ed Jenkins revealed Wednesday that he has decided to convert to Christianity. The stunning announcement has reportedly shaken the faith of many of Jenkins’ fellow Easter Worshipers, some of whom claimed that Jenkins himself was the individual that first led them “to the faith.” “He was a pillar of our community,” said 34-year-old Grace Decker. “I’ve only... Read More

Millions Around The World Shocked To Learn They’ve Been Mourning The Destruction Of A Catholic Cathedral

April 17, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Telling news reporters that they were in “utter disbelief” that they’ve been mourning the destruction of what they mistakenly believed was nothing more than a “museum of sorts,” people from around the world announced today that they were devastated to learn that Notre Dame is actually a Catholic cathedral. “The Catholic Church stands for everything that is wrong with religion,” said witness Darin Gruber, saying that he would have been rejoicing,... Read More

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