Catholic Apologist With Fear Of Public Speaking Pictures Everyone In Audience With Bare Shoulders

July 30, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

Just seconds after walking on stage for his new talk on Mary, local Catholic apologist and glossophopic Jason O’Connor closed his eyes and pictured everyone in attendance with their shoulders bare in a desperate attempt to stop him from hyperventilating.   “It was really bad,” O’Connor told EOTT shortly after his talk. “It’s always bad, really. I get up there on to the sanctuary and I begin to feel real hot and begin to sweat, so... Read More

Church Creates Guidelines For Proper Veneration Of Keanu Reeves

July 23, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Earlier this week, the Congregation for the Causes of Saints issued new guidelines on the proper care, handling, and veneration of Keanu Reeves. The new instructions go into 90-pages of detail on how bishops are to handle Keanu Reeves when his body and soul are “on pilgrimage” within their territory. Article 31: Keanu Reeves can be carried in pilgrimage to different places within the confines of the same diocese or eparchy. In such a case,... Read More

New GraceFace App Reveals What Users Will Look Like After The Resurrection Of The Body

July 23, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

Piggy-backing off the recent excitement over FaceApp, Catholic developers have released GraceFace, an application that reveals what users will look like for all eternity.             “Like FaceApp, GraceFace uses a phone’s camera to take a picture of the user, but it then projects what their body will look like following the Resurrection of the Body at the end of time,” said Ken Carson, lead developer for GraceFace. “People love... Read More

Insufferable Little Prick Online Trying To Get People To Use The Word ‘Godincidence’

July 22, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

In an effort to convince more of his “fellow Christians” of the fact that there is no such thing as coincidence late last week, local insufferable man Alex Duggan has reportedly begun a campaign to get more Christians to use the word “Godincidence.” “There is no such thing as coincidence,” the little prick told people on several blog threads, going on to explain how everything had a purpose, either created or allowed by God. “When... Read More

Eminem Adapts To Praise & Worship In Effort To Stay Relevant

June 13, 2019 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Mika-photography In an effort to reach out to a growing and larger audience, Rapper Marshal Mathers announced this morning that he has decided to adapt his style of music to contemporary Christian Music, also known as Praise & Worship. “I’ve never really been that religious, as most of you know” Marshal Mathers told members of the press. “But if there is a chance my music can be confused with actual prayer and worship, then this... Read More

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