Jason Evert Warns Against Premarital Speaking In New Talk To Teens

May 2, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Prominent chastity speaker Jason Evert Monday morning warned students at St. Joseph Catholic High School against the temptation to speak to people of the opposite sex until marriage, saying it could lead to premarital sex. “It’s definitely a gateway to sex,” Evert told EOTT after the hour-long talk. “We need to not only stay away from near occasions of sin, but away from occasions that might lead us to occasions that will lead to other occasions... Read More

Badass Priest Hears Own Confession

March 7, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

According to several sources this week, well-known local badass priest Fr. Blaze Gunner heard his own confession. “Father Gunner is such a badass,” said longtime parishioner Debbie Ratner. “He bilocated once so that while he was delivering a homily, he could, at the same exact time also go outside and have a cigarette before putting it out on his tongue. The man’s a legend.” Ratner also told EOTT she had once witnessed the cool that is Fr. Blaze... Read More

Word On Fire Launches “Catholicism” DVD Box Set Into Space

February 7, 2018 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  The most powerful rocket to leave Earth since Elon Musk’s Falcon Heavy launched from Des Plaines, Illinois this morning. The Fire On The Earth jumbo rocket, developed by flamboyant bishop Robert Barron, held a mannequin carrying a Catholicism DVD box set as it floated into space some time later. Real-time footage from the box set itself shows the series of epic DVD film highlighting the beauty and truth of the Catholic faith travelling at 24,500... Read More

Nuns That Started Christian Rock Band Somehow Considered Inspiring

December 13, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  The new all-nun rock band known as “Guns N’ Rosaries” took the stage yesterday in front of a packed house at St. John of the Cross Catholic Church where they, for some unfathomable reason, inspired all those in attendance. The Bolivian nuns, who, let’s be serious here for a minute, are kinda embarrassing to watch and to listen to because it’s weird watching nuns pretending to be rock stars in the same way that it would be weird watching... Read More

New Research May Prove Santa Was Inspiration For Fabled Third-Century Saint

December 6, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  After close to a decade of research, historians from the University of America announced Wednesday that the fabled third-century saint, known to many as St. Nicholas, was actually a “sort of devolution” on the present day character of Santa Clause. “What we believe is that the Santa Clause we all know and believe in today actually inspired legends that would be told during Advent about a saint who supposedly lived around 1,700 years ago,”... Read More

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