USCCB Forbids Catholic Organizations From Creating Anything That Looks Even Remotely Close To Being In The Same Vicinity As Up-to-Date

September 20, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  USCCB spokesman, Bishop Roger Belvedere confirmed this week that any Catholic organization attempting to make themselves appear current will be suppressed, as “anything that appears technologically modern is directly contrary to the Holy Spirit.” “Everything from websites to event flyers to marketing materials will be monitored and under careful scrutiny beginning this week,” Belvedere told the press. “In addition, we will soon begin the... Read More

Bloodied Sister Desperately Scrambling To Get Hold Of Phone Before Chainsaw Nun Arrives

September 15, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image-NicksSawMart   In the aftermath of seven unexplained murders at St. Therese Convent in Miami, Florida, local novitiate Sister Martha Mary is reportedly crawling toward a cell phone located just out of arms reach before the mysterious Chainsaw Nun gets to her. In an exclusive interview with EOTT moments ago, sources hiding in a closet filled with loose hanging pots and pans said that the sound of the chainsaw was getting ever closer to Sister... Read More

EWTN To Launch New End Times Drama, “The World Is Over”

August 23, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  [News Brief] EWTN today announced plans to launch the new primetime end times television show The World Is Over staring Raymond Arroyo as one of four horsemen. “No decision has been made as to who will play the other horsemen, or whether Arroyo himself will play all three roles,” Executive Producer James Carlbach said. A spokeswoman for Arroyo declined to comment. Though EWTN has been tight-lipped about the project, one network insider told... Read More

Swiss Guard To Modernize Uniforms To Hipster Jeans And Beanies

August 4, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  It was announced today that the Swiss Guard’s uniform will be changed to a more modern hipster look. Pontifical Swiss Guard Commandant Daniel Anrig told Guards gathered at the annual When Do We Get To See Some Action Jamboree that the traditional “uniform” worn by the Knights will be replaced so as to be more appealing to millennials. Instead of the well-known European Renaissance-style uniform, the average member of the Swiss... Read More

Catholic Church Says No To Gluten-Free Catholics Entering Heaven

July 13, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Paterm   [News Brief] A new letter to Catholic bishops this week from the Vatican has sparked outrage from gluten-free Catholics who learned that they cannot attain salvation no matter how holy they are. The announcement drew criticism from many in the Church, though the letter simply reaffirmed a centuries-old teaching stating that gluten-free Catholics are not in full communion with the Church, and are therefore cut off from the saving grace... Read More

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