St. Joseph Of Cupertino Sick Of Bailing Out Students Who Did Not Study For Test

March 30, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Speaking to fellow saints in Heaven today, Franciscan saint Joseph of Cupertino announced that he was “simply fed up” with bailing out lazy students who “hardly even cracked open their books to study.” “Let me begin by saying that I am in no way telling people not to pray to me,” a visibly frustrated Joseph of Cupertino said as he levitated above reporters. “But if you think I’m stupid enough to continue helping you when you clearly haven’t... Read More

Illuminati Gives Pope Francis Two-Year Extension

March 27, 2015 by  
Filed under Politics

In a private meeting with cloaked members of the Illuminati this morning, Pope Francis reportedly signed a two-year extension to his pontificate, with a 3-year possible extension after that. The Illuminati, who has run the Church behind the scenes since the 1700’s, reported that, although Francis’ pontificate could still end whenever they saw fit, that Francis was for now technically guaranteed at least a few more years. “Our society... Read More

Benedict XVI: “The Entire Vial Of Blood, Including Reliquary, Would’ve Liquefied If I Was Holding It”

March 24, 2015 by  
Filed under Vatican

Just days after St. Gennaro’s blood liquefied after Pope Francis kissed the relic in Naples, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI told EOTT that he would be able to” liquefy the entire thing if really wanted to.” In an exclusive interview with EOTT this morning, the former pope said that the same vial of hardened blood had not liquefied when he kissed it in 2007 simply because he hadn’t tried to liquefy it hard enough. “If I had... Read More

Man Fasting From Meat On Fridays Turns On Inner Kobayashi Minutes Before Clock Strikes Midnight

March 19, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Noticing that he only had minutes before the clock struck midnight, local Catholic Marc Oliver turned on his inner Kobayashi and was able to devour a personal record of hot dogs in just minutes, sources are confirming. “I had lost track of time, but luckily I had my hot dogs lined up with two cups of water in the dining room,” Oliver said, adding that both cups of water were strictly for dipping and softening the bread. “I’ve been drinking... Read More

Vatican Opens Retirement Community To Accommodate Expected Influx Of Retired Popes

March 16, 2015 by  
Filed under Vatican

Following comments made by Pope Francis last week stating that he felt his pontificate could possibly last no longer than two or three years, the Vatican announced today that they have opened a multi-million dollar retirement community for emeritus popes. The news comes just days after Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI told EOTT that he would welcome another former pope into his residence, so long as the incoming pope did not have cat allergies. The former pope’s... Read More

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