Man Found Dead After Botched Homily

A man whose body was found in a pew at St. Cecila’s Church Friday died from blunt trauma to the heart, the San Bernardino County medical examiners office found after autopsies performed this morning. “We can’t say much at this time,” one examiner said at a press conference  “but what we can say is that the cause of death wasn’t trauma to the actual, physical heart, itself, but to its very nature…the essence that dwells within the recesses of the heart, if you will. I’ve never seen anything like this in all my years.” Many parishioners at St. Cecelia’s are blaming the death on a overly fluffy homily given by Fr. Ron Gustafson the morning of the death. “It was terrible,” one parishioner who attended the Mass said. “He kept using terms like ‘coming together,’ ‘one family,’ and ‘we are church.'” The homily reportedly took a tragic turn when Gustafson began to speak about personal holiness, “He was nearly canonizing the entire parish…we begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t listen.” Gustafson is in custody with the San Bernardino Police department at this hour.