Liturgical Dancer Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Drugs

November 20, 2012 by  
Filed under Mass, Uncategorized

It is being reported this morning that world-renowned liturgical dancer Doris Griffin has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. A USCCB spokesman said that trace amounts of an illegal substance were found in Griffin’s blood early Monday morning. This comes just days after reports that Griffin’s trainer, Jake Stately, admitted that he had not only injected Griffin before “numerous Masses,” but that he also had one of the syringes used on the 56-year-old dancer.

Griffin, who is best known for her treatise on liturgical dancing, The Art Of Body Worship, And So Can You, told Eye of the Tiber that the drug found in her system may have been the result of an over-the-counter weight loss medicine that she had recently started taking. Meanwhile, friends of Griffin have come to her defense saying that, though she had recently been under a grueling schedule, that the liturgical dancing phenomena would never resort to injecting. “The Lord has just blessed her body with such a rhythm…such an ability to properly express the proper flow of worship as to ever need any drugs,” a friend of Griffin said.

The USCCB Commission for Mass Doping, meanwhile, say that they will be suspending Griffin from participating in all Masses where dancing is involved until they have concluded their investigation. “For the time being, Ms. Griffin will only have access to the Tridentine Low Mass.”

  • Julianne Wiley

    /s/ Your Sarcasm Tag.
    Never leave home without it.

  • Kathy

    Liturgical dancing??? Me thinks there is a much larger problem than drugs here!!!
    I will save my other comments to myself!!!

    • Jeff

      You know that the articles on this website are not real stories. He is poking fun at those who advocate for liturgical dancing. Liturgical dancing is not ok of course!

  • Felix

    And what about sermons on steroids?

  • Stephen Dalton

    Liturgical dance, what a feeling! Take the passion(?) and make it happen!

  • Liz

    “Liturgical dance” has no place in Mass.

    • Jeff

      You know that the articles on this website are not real stories. He is poking fun at those who advocate for liturgical dancing.

  • Martha

    I find your commenters an amusing mix. I truly believe some of them take you seriously! ;D

    @Stephen: Ha!

  • richt

    where can i get some?

  • Alphonsus

    “‘For the time being, Ms. Griffin will only have access to the Tridentine Low Mass.'”

    ‘Tis the BOMB!

  • Catholic Coach

    No High Masses allowed during her suspension either, eh? That makes sense, the gloriously reverent music might tempt her to disobey and “bust a move.”

    As a choreographer, I am doubly dismayed by “liturgical dance.” Not only is it completely inappropriate, it isn’t even good choreography!

  • Christine

    I recently dreamed that my old parish had liturgical dancing…*shudders*

  • Michael Leggett

    Bud Selig couldn’t have said it better.

  • carlericolson

    I hope this won’t influence voters when it comes time to vote for her rightful place in the Sacred Movement Hall of Fame. Even if she did juice, she did it for the Kingdom.

  • Torquemada Tequila

    I’m guessing stale bong water?

  • Michael Leggett

    AT the Tridentine Latin Mass, No Dance,but the Transcendent beauty of silence, NODANCE.

    • Andrew Fanco

      TranscenDANCE