South Bend, IN––According to sources within the University of Notre Dame last week, star linebacker Manti Te’o was “duped” into attending and playing for what he believed to be a real Catholic university. The university told reporters that Te’o, who became the inspirational force behind the Fighting Irish’s Cinderella run to the BCS National Championship this season, was the target of an elaborate hoax perpetrated against him by Notre Dame officials. Deadspin.com issued a news release Wednesday reporting that it could find no record of the university’s Catholic identity ever existing. A spokesman for Notre Dame confirmed to Eye of the Tiber that Te’o had indeed been the victim of a hoax. “Officials used a fictitious Catholic identity, and were successful in ‘ingratiating themselves’ with Te’o, then conspired with other school officials posing to be scholars, in line with the Magisterium. Later that week, Te’o sat down with ESPN, telling them that he was not as much devastated, as he was confused as to why Notre Dame would go through the effort to pull off the elaborate hoax. “I mean, I’m not even Catholic…I’m Mormon”, Te’o said. “What do I care about the Catholic Church and whether the university’s in line with the Magisterium? Kinda like them, I guess. I don’t know…the whole thing is just kinda weird.”
Las Vegas, NV––Citing a large demand for his Folk Mass illusion, part-time magician Fr. George Richmond of Las Vegas, Nevada told reporters Sunday that he would begin to perform the trick every Sunday at 9:00 am. “I remember last time I performed the illusion, I was able to make nearly every one of my parishioners disappear,” said Richmond, noting that he has many other tricks as well, including Clown Mass and Gay Mass illusions. ”The Folk Mass, though, is my favorite, and easily one of the most difficult for me to successfully perform.” Richmond later noted his inability to make anyone above the age of 50 or 60 disappear. “I’m still at a loss at what I’m doing wrong there. I’m only able to make a few of the older generation parishioners vanish during the trick, whereas every young person in attendance vanishes as expected. Another issue is that I still haven’t found a way to make anyone reappear after the trick is completed. It’s kinda like sawing the woman in half and forgetting how to make her whole again.”
VATICAN–Speaking to the press Wednesday afternoon, Prefect of the Congregation of the Doctrine of Faith Archbishop Gerhard Ludwig Müller announced plans to create the first ever Vatican II theme park. “We’re very thrilled about the opportunities that the theme park will bring to the Church. In particular, we’re excited to see how it may become a tool for fostering a culture of open dialogue within a fun and exciting setting,” Müller said, before giving reporters an inside look at one of the rides being developed for the park. “We have many rides being developed as we speak, but one of my favorites is our state-of-the-art ferris wheel where Vatican and SSPX officials can sit down and discuss the important issues of Vatican II while going around in circles.” An SSPX spokesman later told Eye of the Tiber that they reject the premise of the theme park altogether, and that they plan to dissuade their followers from entering, saying, “It is an evil theme park; that is the correct term to describe it…not invalid or illicit, but evil.”
Fort Worth, TX––77-year-old Richard Kantor of Fort Worth, Texas is reporting at this hour that he ain’t no gay, and therefore not gonna hold another man’s hand during the Our Father. “I ain’t gonna do it. Never did, never will. Wanna hold my hand, ask me on a date; but don’t expect nothing less than a whack upside the head with this here stick, you hear me?” Kantor, who says he typically prefers Latin Mass because there is “no funny business” going on there, said that the last time a man tried holding his hand during the Our Father, he broke two of his fingers. “Turned out to be my son…that one I regret. Still, he shoulda known better then to get all nancy with his old man.” At press time, Kantor was attending a local Novus Ordo, brimming with the anticipation of breaking another couple fingers for the sake of orthodoxy and heterosexuality.
Los Angeles, CA––The Virgin Mary statue at the entrance of Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral in Los Angeles announced today that it was becoming evermore frustrated and frankly rather confused by the amount of mockery it has received since it was first created. The 8-foot-tall, modern representation of the Virgin Mary told Eye of the Tiber that ever since it was created in 2002, it has been the butt of jokes, scoffs, and laughs by visitors who pass it, despairingly adding that it has oftentimes wished it could just call in sick. ”I guess I’m just more confused than anything else,” the statue said from its station above a pair of bronze doors. “Of course I’ve never looked at myself, but I’m a statue of the Virgin Mary, you know? How bad can I look? People stare at me as though I look like some kind of veilless Jedi with a boy-cut or something.”