“We’re Taking All The Good Seats On Christmas, And You’re Gonna Stand There And Like It,” Nominal Catholics Report

December 24, 2012 by  
Filed under Mass, Uncategorized

YOUR PARISH––”We’re taking every pew and every freaking seat in the house tonight and tomorrow, and you’re just gonna have to stand there and like it,” bitter Christmas/Easter Catholics told the nation’s practicing Catholics yesterday. “If we have to suffer and go, then you’re gonna suffer as we take your favorite weekly spot. You know which one…the one half way down the church on the outer aisle where you get that nice breeze; yeah…that one.” Citing their wives’ pointless and incessant insistence that they attend Christmas Mass, the nation’s nominal Catholics told Eye of the Tiber that it’s not like they want to take the good seats, “in fact,” they said, “the only seat we want are the ones on the edges of our couches,” but went on to explain that if they had to go, they might as well take your favorite seat, and, if possible, every other seat too, thereby forcing you to stand on one of the sides like an “idiot” as you awkwardly attempt to endure the stares of all those seated around you.

  • Panda Rosa

    Of course they all have brothers in the Protestant churches as well.

  • Local Woman Shares her Christmas Seat Secret

    Your Town, USA: A local woman reports that she no longer has to fight for a seat at Mass on Christmas and Easter. “Yes, I joined the choir. With my whole family. Now we always have seats even at the most crowded Masses–because if anybody tries to sit near us, the whole organ/piano/choir director-with-violin thing clues them in right away that they don’t want to sit there. Sure, we have to muddle through the occasional Haugen song during Ordinary Time, but that’s a small price to pay for not having to stand on Christmas. And Easter. And Palm Sunday. And Ash Wednesday.”

    Similar reports are coming in from Catholics who have signed up to serve Mass, lector, or assist as ushers. Liturgical dancers, however, are out of luck, as their seats will be stolen the minute they start doing their best “Disney dancing hippo” impressions down the center aisle, in those unfortunate parishes where liturgical dance continues to infect the liturgy.

  • Cory

    At our church, we have Personal Pew Licenses (PPL’s) which gives us the right to call the authorities and remove anyone sitting in our pew. I mean, we pay 5K a year for a PPL just to make sure something like this doesn’t happen.

    • Michael Leggett

      ISounds like that Mass must be at St. Rex Ryan RC Church in East Rutherford, NJ

  • Etienne

    Who the hell said they “have to go”. You don’t wanna go? Don’t go. Let your wives go alone. Whatever no big deal. And who gives a **** about the spot? That’s not even remotely close to what Christmas mass (or any mass) is about.

    • Saint Vincent of Lerins

      Eye of the Tiber is satire, Steve.

  • There were lots of empty seats at Our Lady of Fatima this morning for the Christmas Mass — at least half the seats were empty.

  • A Cynic

    Oh awesome. A female acolyte.

  • Catholic Coach

    You can always reclaim a seat during the frantic-handshaking-competition-of-peace, or when people leave their seats, pews, and even cross over to the other side of the nave during the Pater Noster human chain formation.

    • missandromeda


  • Svetlana

    Even as parody, this makes me sad to see. None of us has a “right” to be present at the heavenly banquet. At least, this is one more opportunity for some to respond to God’s grace. It should be our joy to offer our spot to the stranger and estranged.

  • Allan

    When I was growing up in a fairly orthodox Episcopal (Anglican) church 70 years ago, our priest would often complain about “The Society of the Nativity and the Resurrection”. They have always been a problem and always will be.

    • Father David Sharland

      They aren’t a problem, but rather an opportunity!

      • missandromeda

        Well said! Also, regular Mass attenders can get a seat by arriving 30 mins beforehand to pray before the noise begins. I love smiling at all the new faces 🙂

        • wiffle

          Yes, it’s more just planning if you want a seat at Christmas and Easter. It turns that regular Mass attenders are in the know for that sort of information. 🙂

          • Phung Chung


  • Mark

    SONAR Catholics…. I like it, Allan 🙂

  • Christopher Leo Biddle

    I object to the picture. Alter-girls are a ridiculous historical oddity, and the Crucifix used in the processional is bad liturgical art.

    • missandromeda

      I think you mean touchdown Jesus :-/

    • Adriana Renaud

      In light of the whole Caitlyn/Bruce Jenner fiasco I would change my spelling of alter- girl to altar – girl. Just saying.

      • Saint Vincent of Lerins

        And Caitlyn is spelled with a “K”.

        • samton909


  • Smokey Behr

    Looks like I’m going to have to whip up a batch of my infamous beans before Midnight Mass. They’re guaranteed to clear out a 6′ radius to ensure “personal space.”

    • Monk

      Would you kindly post the recipe?

  • Frank Hammond

    Most churches have plenty of sits open on Christmas and Easter. The days of getting to church an hour early for a seat are long over…