Landmark Win For Individuals Who Experience And Act Upon An Exclusive Or Predominant Attraction Toward Persons Of The Same Sex

June 27, 2013 by  
Filed under Politics, Uncategorized

Supreme Court Ruling

Washington, DC––In a landmark win for thousands of people across America who suffer with and act upon homosexual tendencies, the U.S. Supreme Court yesterday ruled that the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) was unconstitutional. The ruling came as welcomed news to hundreds of people gathered outside the Supreme Court who may or may not have recently acted upon intrinsically evil homosexual acts that are contrary to the natural law. “I just can’t believe the day when I can marry my life-partner is almost here,” said gay rights activist Jonathan Turner who was just then in the process of being called to fulfill God’s will in his life and to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties he was encountering from his condition. 25-year-old Jade Stephans who travelled from San Francisco, and was being called by God to be strengthened by the virtues of self-mastery that teach her inner freedom and at times, by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, so that she could gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection, told reporters that she was overwhelmed by the decision. “I’ve prayed and prayed for so many years for this day. This’ what God wants. I’m certain of it.”

  • Spot on.

  • Thibaud

    Once again, Eye of the Tiber is confirmed to be the funniest website ever for people who spend hours a day reading US Catholics blogs and, as such, have an encyclopedic knowledge of Catholicism in America… and to be utterly incomprehensible for everyone else.

    Lucky for me I belong to the first category.

    • Montague

      Whoa, I suspected the world was divvied up like that, but I didn’t know till now… makes so much sense.

      Kindred spirit!

  • Michael

    So, no funny satire this time. Just something that could very well be real.

    • ithakavi

      And now it is.

  • Chelse Lang

    Oh please. Christian perfection is a lie; our Christ ran hypocrites like these homophobes out of His Father’s House with a whip. Welcome the new generation of Sanhedrin, ladies and gentlemen. Love is love; there is no difference. In His Kingdom, there will be no male and female, just as there is no slave or free. Or are you advocating that we return to the time of Moses, where you might sell your daughter into slavery by a bride-price? Wake up, American Catholics – we have already redefined marriage.

    • BCSWowbagger

      Annnnnnnd…. somebody didn’t get the joke.

    • Johannes Climacus

      Well spoken, Chelse! “Love is love” – a more clear and meaningful statement could hardly be made here. You’re right – “our Christ” spoke out against the lie of Christian perfection (especially in Matthew 5:48) and freed us from the constraint of the Law here on earth (see Matthew 5:18). Surely “our Christ” would never call men and women to deny their own identities – their very selves – and endure the horrible suffering that would ensue (especially not in Matthew 16:24)! You, Chelse, have understood what these hypocrites and Pharisees have not: that Christian Love consists in making sure our neighbors know they are perfectly fine just the way they already are (although I can’t find the relevant Scripture verse – could you point it out to me?).

    • Daniel

      Natural law transcends human definitions. Saying that ‘we have already redefined marriage’ is like saying horses are now camels because we edited wikipedia. It is the essence of the Catholic faith that we defer to Christ and His Church in moral truths rather than trusting our faulty emotions and fallen nature to ‘divine’ divine law.
      Jesus’ statement in Matthew 19 “Some are incapable of marriage …” in reference to eunuchs, and natural defects necessitates that there be the possibility for complimentary physical union of the sexes for there to be a valid marriage. If ‘love is just love’ he would have said “All are capable of marriage”. Matthew 19, when read with an understanding of what the bible states, and what a complimentary union is, most clearly states what marriage is. If you seek a fuller understanding of homosexuality and your Catholic faith, I would encourage the CCC 2357 as a great starting place.

    • Chelse Lang:

      You radically misinterpret Paul’s letter describing the Heavenly Kingdom, in which the soul saved from Hell forever enjoys and possesses the Triune God. Your inference from it, ” Love is love; there is no difference,” can only lead you to the false conclusion that there is no difference between sin and perfection. Our Blessed Lord took the robe of human flesh and gave it on the cross so that we might know the crucial difference between love of self and sacrificial love for the sake of the other. Persons experiencing same sex attraction have a truly unique place in heaven, but they must obey the teachings of the Church, lest they find out what orthodox Catholics already know: Satan has a place waiting in Hell. The culture has chosen; I would bid you to choose wisely. God love you.

    • Danielius

      Oh Lord, is there a place where one can escape Modernism? Chelse, I hope that you claim to be some sort of modern Gnostic, otherwise I honestly cannot comprehend that statement.

      Since the first two jaw-dropping pronouncements have been addressed (“Christian perfection is a lie”, “Love is love – there is no difference”), lets look at the next – “In His Kingdom, there will be no male and female”. Interesting, you still use the male pronoun He, yet regard gender as not essential? A slip of the tongue I suspect or perhaps a post-modern wink at us unsophisticated stooges, since you liberals call gender a “social construct”. And are you sure that you want to invoke St. Paul? I thought the preffered strategy was to regard him as the chief corrupter of the Faith. Anyway, you seem to regard the basic tenets of Christianity as profoundly wrong (why do you even bother then, since the faitful have been wrong for almost 2000 years and therefore cannot be trusted?). So let me mention that St. Paul (and thus Christianity) teaches resurrection of the BODY, not of some asexual Cartesian blob attached to a body, but good ol’ body with limbs. “Man and woman He created them. … and behold, it was very good.”. Or perhaps a selective quotation from Letter to Galatians without context is canonical and Letter to Corinthians and Genesis are not? After all, if the Church has no authority then everyone is free to create his own Canon.

    • GO’MH

      Well, I’ve redefined it again. As a matter of fact, I’ve redefined “redefined.” And “have” and “already” while I’m at it.

      Isn’t this how it works?

      “When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.”

      “The question is,” said Chelse, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.”

      “The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master – that’s all.”

  • Fr. D

    Brilliantly written article.
    BTW, anyone who things “Christian perfection is a lie” should have a word with the One who said, “Be perfect, just as your Heavenly Father is perfect.”

  • Michael Leggett

    Like “The Onion”, I turn to EOTT for Humor and Satire.