God Apparently Hates Brazil

July 8, 2014 by  
Filed under Politics

(AP Photo)

Kingdom of Heaven––Speaking from His Eternal Throne of Cherubim, God the Creator of all that is visible and invisible confirmed today that while His Love for all mankind is as boundless as the sand on the seashore, He is “not a fan” of Brazil.


“From the beautiful beaches of its coast along the Atlantic to its lush rain forest surrounding the Amazon River, the Almighty harbors a deep and serious hatred for the country of Brazil,” said St. Gabriel the Archangel, Press Secretary of the Kingdom of Heaven since the resignation of Jay Carney earlier this year. “The Trinitarian Godhead, who is infinite both in His Justice and His Mercy, just plain old doesn’t like the place, and for some reason contained in His Mysterious Providence, wishes for its people nothing but bitter sadness in their life. That is why he allowed Brazil to suffer such a bitter and humiliating loss to the German National Team.”

The Archangel explained, however, that this hatred is “not in any way” toward the souls of the Brazilian people, and His Salvific Grace is always poured out to them. “It’s not that the Alpha/Omega desires their eternal torment; He wishes that all men be saved. But in this temporal life, the Creator simply wants them to suffer with terrible agony.”

St. Gabriel reassured the public that Brazil is not alone in the Almighty’s hatred. “I know that the lands of Haiti and Iraq are definitely up there as well.” When asked about the city of Detroit, the archangel abruptly announced, “This press conference is over.”

  • Timothy Adams


  • Veronica

    I read that Detroit is really the gateway to Purgatory. I saw it on the internets.

  • AJ Jackson

    I know it’s satire, but the truth is of course His love for the poor and suffering is even stronger, so if anything He loves those places even more

    • AreAy

      “I know it’s satire.” That would have sufficed.

  • Lauren F

    Wonder what God thought about Brazil hosting World Youth Day 2013 then, haha. 🙂

  • Benedict XVI

    Ooooh, wie ist das schön! Ooooh, wie ist das schön! So was hat man lange nicht gesehn, so schön! so schön! SCNR

    Oh, and by the way, Mr. Archangel, Brazil hac most certainly many beautiful beaches on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean, but definitely not an inch of Pacific coasts.

  • Though renowned for their sportsmanship, It’s hard to tell whether it’s FREUDE, or SCHADENFREUDE, that is greater among Germans right now.

    • Believe me, Sister, it’s definitely Freude. 🙂 In fact, there’s also much sympathy for the Brazilians, as Abp. Gänswein told me.

      • Ja, das weiss ich…aber es macht spass, Schadenfreude in einem Satz zu verwenden. Viele liebe Gruesse an Abp. Gänswein (er schuldet mir Geld.)

        • *lach* Ich werd’s ihm ausrichten.
          Schwester Maria Brigitta, Sie sind Gold wert — jetzt können Sie auch noch Deutsch! Ihre lustigen und geistreichen Kommentare bringen mich immer zum Lachen oder zum Lächeln, je nach dem. Bitte schreiben Sie hier also noch viele weitere lustige und geistreiche Kommentare! Ich bete für Sie und sende Ihnen herzliche Grüße, wo immer Sie auch sind. Bitte beten Sie auch für mich!

          • Jude

            Dass gefällt mir. Vielleicht habe ich Fehler gemacht, aber es freut mich Deutsch zu lesen. Schreiben Sie oft, bitte.

          • fredx2


        • fredx2

          Er schuldet Ihnen Gelt auch ?……..

          • Ja! UND er hat mein Rasenmäher!!

          • Sie bekommen ihn wieder, wirklich! Ich brauchte ihn ja für die ausgedehnten Gartenanlagen von Castelgandolfo. Jetzt in Mater Ecclesiae benutzen wir ihn eigentlich nicht mehr, aber nun ist er ganz hinten im Keller, hinter dem Heimtrainer, der Kiste mit den Sonnenbrillen und der Sedia gestatoria… Wenn ich erst Kardinal bin, miste ich dort mal aus, und dann kriegen Sie ihn zurück. Ehrlich! Versprochen! — Oh, Augenblick, Franziskus schreibt mir gerade etwas über ICQ… das kann ein bißchen dauern…

          • Schorschl! Du auch hier?

  • Matt Swaim

    Alternate headline: “God Consults With Job On Best Way To Prove Brazil’s Fidelity.”

  • PureCatholic

    It’s no wonder Brazil lost after they decapitated that referees head last year during a tournament 🙁

  • fredx2

    What do you mean “apparently”?

  • Edward Warua

    GOD does’not hate any country, if he hates a country, why will he send his only begotten Son unto us to die for our sins.

    • Heinz

      If the content of the article would really be the opinion of the writer, why would it appear on a satirical website?