Germany Abdicates World Cup Championship; Argentina To Assume Title

July 13, 2014 by  
Filed under Vatican

BRAZIL––The German National Team today stunned soccer fans across the globe with their announcement that they would abdicate the World Cup title, effective today. FIFA, the international governing body of association football, said today it has voted the largely unknown Argentinian National Team to assume the title of champions of the soccer world. In a statement issued today, the... Read More

God Apparently Hates Brazil

July 8, 2014 by  
Filed under Politics

Kingdom of Heaven––Speaking from His Eternal Throne of Cherubim, God the Creator of all that is visible and invisible confirmed today that while His Love for all mankind is as boundless as the sand on the seashore, He is “not a fan” of Brazil.   “From the beautiful beaches of its coast along the Atlantic to its lush rain forest surrounding the Amazon River, the... Read More

Uruguayan Pastor Bites Rival Priest During Mass

June 25, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

New York, NY—Just a day after Uruguay star Luis Suarez allegedly bit Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini at the World Cup, Uruguayan born priest, Father Roldolfo Pontet, is now being investigated for biting a rival priest during a morning Mass in New York. The USCCB said early today that its disciplinary committee has opened proceedings against Pontet. If the Uruguayan priest, already banned twice... Read More

Soccer Player Miraculously Rises To Feet Seconds After Writhing In Pain On Ground

June 20, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

BRAZIL–Thousands of soccer fans around the globe were witness to the miraculous recovery of an Italian soccer player this morning after he was viciously tapped in the thigh by a Costa Rican defender. It happened in the 23 minute of a game between Italy and Costa Rica earlier today when Italian striker Mario Balotelli went down after being ever so gently tapped in the thigh by Costa Rica’s... Read More

A Catholic’s Guide To The World Cup

June 12, 2014 by  
Filed under Politics

Spain: Spain is currently the strongest team in world. This is largely due to the fact that 76% of the country consider themselves Catholic. Speed and agility is a trademark of the Spaniard and was best exhibited during the battle of Lepanto in October of 1571, commanded by Don John of Austria, the illegitimate son of the Holy Roman Emperor Charles I of Spain. They have been on an immense roll... Read More