South Bend, IN––According to sources within the University of Notre Dame last week, star linebacker Manti Te’o was “duped” into attending and playing for what he believed to be a real Catholic university. The university told reporters that Te’o, who became the inspirational force behind the Fighting Irish’s Cinderella run to the BCS National Championship this season, was the target of an elaborate hoax perpetrated against him by Notre Dame officials. Deadspin.com issued a news release Wednesday reporting that it could find no record of the university’s Catholic identity ever existing. A spokesman for Notre Dame confirmed to Eye of the Tiber that Te’o had indeed been the victim of a hoax. “Officials used a fictitious Catholic identity, and were successful in ‘ingratiating themselves’ with Te’o, then conspired with other school officials posing to be scholars, in line with the Magisterium. Later that week, Te’o sat down with ESPN, telling them that he was not as much devastated, as he was confused as to why Notre Dame would go through the effort to pull off the elaborate hoax. “I mean, I’m not even Catholic…I’m Mormon”, Te’o said. “What do I care about the Catholic Church and whether the university’s in line with the Magisterium? Kinda like them, I guess. I don’t know…the whole thing is just kinda weird.”
Steubenville, OH––The University of Steubenville, best known for their strict adherence to the Magesterium of the Catholic Church, has decided that their football playbook will continue to contain no other play but the “Hail Mary”. ”Even in football we’re called to heed the words of St. Paul when he says, ‘Pray without ceasing,’” University President Reverend Terence Henry told Eye of the Tiber just moments after he released every running back and tightend from the roster. “No matter the situation, our quarterback will continue to exclusively throw a ‘Hail Mary’. And in this way shall we proclaim the power of the rosary.” And while some have criticized Henry, calling his eccentric decision to continue to limit his play book to “Hail Marys” nothing more than a publicity stunt for the small Catholic college, Henry believes otherwise. “Look…people only tend to pray in desperate situations, and that’s wrong…so why only use this play in desperate situations? All we’re trying to do is to show people that just as you ought to pray without ceasing, so then should you also use this play without ceasing…you following me?” But the radical decision made for a humiliating defeat in a game last month against Ave Maria University when, with Steubenville down by three points with one second left in the game and just one yard from the endzone, Quarterback Rich Vaughan stepped back to pass and launched the football through the uprights and clear into the stands.