31 NFL Head Coaches Face Possible Firings For Not Drafting Openly Gay Defensive End Michael Sam

July 23, 2014 by  
Filed under Politics

New York, NY–According to reports coming from the National Football League today, 31 NFL head coaches are facing possible firings after intolerantly deciding to pass over mediocre 24-year-old Defensive End Michael Sam. “We cannot and will not tolerate intolerance in the National Football League,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told the press this morning. “Therefore, we have decided to... Read More

Germany Abdicates World Cup Championship; Argentina To Assume Title

July 13, 2014 by  
Filed under Vatican

BRAZIL––The German National Team today stunned soccer fans across the globe with their announcement that they would abdicate the World Cup title, effective today. FIFA, the international governing body of association football, said today it has voted the largely unknown Argentinian National Team to assume the title of champions of the soccer world. In a statement issued today, the German... Read More

God Apparently Hates Brazil

July 8, 2014 by  
Filed under Politics

Kingdom of Heaven––Speaking from His Eternal Throne of Cherubim, God the Creator of all that is visible and invisible confirmed today that while His Love for all mankind is as boundless as the sand on the seashore, He is “not a fan” of Brazil.   “From the beautiful beaches of its coast along the Atlantic to its lush rain forest surrounding the Amazon River, the Almighty... Read More

Uruguayan Pastor Bites Rival Priest During Mass

June 25, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

New York, NY—Just a day after Uruguay star Luis Suarez allegedly bit Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini at the World Cup, Uruguayan born priest, Father Roldolfo Pontet, is now being investigated for biting a rival priest during a morning Mass in New York. The USCCB said early today that its disciplinary committee has opened proceedings against Pontet. If the Uruguayan priest, already banned twice... Read More

2014 Sochi Olympics: Why Has The Vatican Yet To Medal?

February 16, 2014 by  
Filed under Vatican

SOCHI, Russia––For only the third time in Winter Games history, the United States swept the podium, capturing the top three spots Thursday in Slopestyle Skiing’s Olympic debut, an event that many sports historians say was created in the past four years by a half-baked college kid in his dorm room in Colorado. In the meantime, the Vatican has yet to medal, leading EOTT to ask just why... Read More

Next Page »