Parishioners Eagerly Anticipate Return To Distant, Unwelcoming Community

With Masses resuming in the next couple of weeks, many Catholics are now eagerly anticipating their first non-virtual interaction with the distant, unwelcoming community that they haven’t seen in months. As bishops and priests from across the country prepare for the monumental task of reopening churches with strict guidelines, many are looking forward to their first Mass with their cold and detached parishioners. “It’s really... Read More

Limiting Parishioners To 10 Per Mass No Problem For Local Diocese

Telling his flock that their state ordinance limiting the amount of parishioners that can be inside a church at any given time to ten was “absolutely no problem whatsoever” for their diocese, local bishop Robert McDowell reportedly said that the ordinance could limit that number to five for all he cared and it still wouldn’t have that much of an impact. “Not a problem at all,” McDowell said in a livestream message... Read More

So-Called “Christian” Wearing A Mask

So-called “Christian” and “believer” Alexander Humphrey was seen early this morning wearing a mask, despite the “fact” that he has been baptized, and therefore should heed the words of scripture and not fear, for the Lord is with him. According to several sources, fraud and imposter Alexander Humphrey, who up till this morning was widely known as a model Christian, was shopping at a local grocery store when he... Read More

Online Backbiting, Bickering About Receiving Communion In The Hand Expected To Reopen

Longtime combox contributor P90xcelsis Deo announced this morning that subjects such as receiving communion in the hands as well as holding hands during the Our Father were to reopen within the next couple of weeks. “This all depends on when certain dioceses reopen Masses to the public,” Deo wrote in all caps and three exclamation points. “Obviously the faster they open up, the faster we forget how thankful we are to actually just be there­––that’s... Read More

Gun-Toting, Covid-19 Infected Murder Hornets Enter The U.S.

Known by many in Asia as the “buzzing angel of death,” the Gun-Toting, Covid-19 Infected Murder Hornet has officially made its way into the United States. The hornet, known to terrorize and kill thousands of people a year, have for decades brandished assault riffles as they buzzed around metropolitan cities. But researchers at the St. Dominic of Silos Institute for Learning are now saying that the new bread of Gun-Toting Murder Hornet... Read More

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