Area Parishioner Reporting He’s Not Gay; Ain’t Gonna Hold Another Man’s Hand During Our Father

January 7, 2013 by  
Filed under Mass, Uncategorized

Fort Worth, TX––77-year-old Richard Kantor of Fort Worth, Texas is reporting at this hour that he ain’t no gay, and therefore not gonna hold another man’s hand during the Our Father. “I ain’t gonna do it. Never did, never will. Wanna hold my hand, ask me on a date; but don’t expect nothing less than a whack upside the head with this here stick, you hear me?” Kantor, who says he typically prefers Latin Mass because there is “no funny business” going on there, said that the last time a man tried holding his hand during the Our Father, he broke two of his fingers. “Turned out to be my son…that one I regret. Still, he shoulda known better then to get all nancy with his old man.” At press time, Kantor was attending a local Novus Ordo, brimming with the anticipation of breaking another couple fingers for the sake of orthodoxy and heterosexuality.

  • LL

    This one’s not so funny.

    There could be other ways people get out of holding hands during the Lord’s prayer:
    – Feigning a cold and sneezing on said hand just before the prayer starts
    – Sitting in a “hand-holding free” zone of the pews
    – juggling multiple hymnals and missals
    – Not having hands
    – Being too affectionate with strangers when holding hands

    • Also, holding a Rosary in your hand. I’ve done this at the sign of peace. I’ve had someone laugh before when I did this because she assumed the girl with lace on her head just happened to have her Rosary all tangled up around my hand at the sign of peace…

    • Yo Mama

      Yeah, there is a way to get the people to stop holding hands. The pastor tells the congregation to stop it already.

    • KC

      I’m gay, but I still don’t want to hold anyones hand during Our Father.

      LL, I agree. This one isn’t so funny because it happens to be something LGBT people actually do experience at Mass.

  • Metro

    Definitely chuckle funny – I would love to grab someone’s hand and lift it around in the air at coffee and donuts after Mass like they did to me at Mass. 😀

  • Will

    This one is spot on. I’ve read comments at Fr. Z’s blog that aren’t too different from this satire. If you, like me, don’t want to hold hands — then don’t. But there’s no reason to be a jerk about it — especially you juvenile folks that sneeze or cough into your hands so as to have an “excuse.”

  • Jeff

    This is exactly the attitude an old man would have, so funny!

    • Jay

      Except that an old man wouldn’t use the term “gay”. He’d say something like “I ain’t no queer.”

  • This is in keeping with the sempiternal caricature of a Catholic Traditionalist; were we not to keep making them the constant object of japery, others may just pay heed to what they say rather than to be dismissively derisive of their very existence.

  • Cephas

    There’s also the I’m so lost in contemplative wonder, I didn’t notice you were trying to hold my hand. and then shock that they’re even offering ;-).

  • Catholic Coach

    This old guy is funny, I think I’ve seen him.

    I’ve gotten to where I clasp my hands tightly together and hold them close to my belt buckle while rising from the great Amen. Before I learned to hold my hands lower and closer, a lady in the pew in front of me turned around and wanted me to join the human Pater Noster chain…because I had my eyes closed tight she poked my hand with her sharp fingernail until her friend next to me stage whispered “he doesn’t WANT TO!”

  • John

    I wonder if he had Jesus next to him that he would have refused to hold his hand.

    • Susan

      Jesus is on the altar 🙂

      • Marion


  • jamey brown

    In the Catholic Diaspora of NY the nearest person is 10 pews away.

  • Jamey Brown

    Why doesn’t he go to a Traditional Latin Mass? The Our Father is sung in Latin and most don’t even know it’s the Our Father. They think it’s just another hymn.

  • fredx2

    I wonder if Jesus would goofily insist that he hold his hand.

  • fredx2

    Techncially, you can press charges for battery. Just sayin.

  • fredx2

    I just grab their hand and start kissing it. This usually gets them to stop.

  • Richard

    And isn’t that great! Let’s excuse this person. A|Send him to the Latin mass where he won’t know what is happening!

  • Richard

    Why don’t you?

  • I’m only 26 and that’s exactly what I say!

  • Rhiannan Thomas

    Actually…joke aside, you’re not actually *supposed* to hold hands. The point is to hold up *empty* hands.

  • el ingeniero loco

    not true I know the our father in 3 languages, latin being one of them. I always hear people resond the sed liberanos a malo.

  • I don’t hold hands during the “Our Father” either.