New Text Message Mass All The Rage At Gonzaga University

April 18, 2013 by  
Filed under Mass, Uncategorized

th Lord b W u : )

Spokane, Washington–Expressing sadness for the lack of attention from parishioners during Sunday Masses, Gonzaga University priest Fr. John Conti has recently instituted an all new “Text-Message-Only Mass.” The Gonzaga graduate who just celebrated his 15th anniversary of priesthood told reporters that the idea came to him as he sat listening to the deacon read the epistle. “I looked out and saw all these college kids reading texts messages on their phones,” Conti said. “That’s when I knew the Church needed to catch up or risk being left behind, so to speak. So I figured, heck, if they’re already on their phones, might just be easier to text them the prompts and they can just text back the responses.” Conti went on to say that people can think of the new approach to the Mass as a “Novus Ordo Low Mass,” in that it’s quiet throughout the Mass, but that the text messages are in the vernacular rather than Latin. 20-year-old Ganzaga junior Jane Douglas told Eye of the Tiber that the Text-Message-Only Mass has made her enjoy going to Mass again. “It’s sorta awesome now. Last Sunday I was texting my boyfriend and I got this text that was all like ‘Th Lord b W u,’ and I was all texting back like, ‘n w ur spirit ; ),’ and then I went back to texting my boyfriend, and we decided we’d just go pick up my roommate Sarah and then go to the BYOB bonfire. I guess it’s just kinda cool to know you don’t have to leave your social life just cause your at church.” Conti says that if it weren’t for the distribution of the Eucharist, he would be happy to have the Mass go completely virtual. “I like to call it ‘e-fellowship.'”

  • Godson

    Very funny

  • Luke

    As a student of Gonzanga i really love the text mass, especially since my phone auto-corrects “n also w u” to “n w ur spirit”

    • Mlmyer

      Brilliant! 😉

    • Kevin

      Outstanding. +1, sir.

  • Poor Yorek

    I’m trying to picture campus as hundreds of students ::cough:: and faculty ::double cough:: suddenly incline their heads (at the Holy Name or Trinity) or bow profoundly at the “homo factus est” of the Creed: all whilst perambulating about campus in a self-absorbed haze, gazing in wonder at the glowing device in their hands (rather than Our Lord veiled under the form of bread and wine).

  • Brandor

    However, when the priest texted “consubstantial” a good portion of the e-parishioners began crying

  • BobBo

    Darn, how inconvenient. The Eucharist keeps getting in the way. I bet Father Conti will figure out how to fix that.

  • M.M.

    This is HORRIBLE. I am disgusted.
    “Could you not keep watch with me 1 hour?
    Matthew 26:40

    • Luke

      PSA: This is satire. Every so-called “news story” on this website is a joke.

      • Shaquan Aron

        Luke, someone call the jury because you have murdered Joy!

  • Me