Spokane, Washington–Expressing sadness for the lack of attention from parishioners during Sunday Masses, Gonzaga University priest Fr. John Conti has recently instituted an all new ”Text-Message-Only Mass.” The Gonzaga graduate who just celebrated his 15th anniversary of priesthood told reporters that the idea came to him as he sat listening to the deacon read the epistle. “I looked out and saw all these college kids reading texts messages on their phones,” Conti said. ”That’s when I knew the Church needed to catch up or risk being left behind, so to speak. So I figured, heck, if they’re already on their phones, might just be easier to text them the prompts and they can just text back the responses.” Conti went on to say that people can think of the new approach to the Mass as a “Novus Ordo Low Mass,” in that it’s quiet throughout the Mass, but that the text messages are in the vernacular rather than Latin. 20-year-old Ganzaga junior Jane Douglas told Eye of the Tiber that the Text-Message-Only Mass has made her enjoy going to Mass again. “It’s sorta awesome now. Last Sunday I was texting my boyfriend and I got this text that was all like ‘Th Lord b W u,’ and I was all texting back like, ‘n w ur spirit ; ),’ and then I went back to texting my boyfriend, and we decided we’d just go pick up my roommate Sarah and then go to the BYOB bonfire. I guess it’s just kinda cool to know you don’t have to leave your social life just cause your at church.” Conti says that if it weren’t for the distribution of the Eucharist, he would be happy to have the Mass go completely virtual. “I like to call it ‘e-fellowship.’”
Salem, OR––Friends of Christendom College freshman Ben Tate reported this week that he “hasn’t shut up with the whole Latin thing since returning for spring break.” The 19-year-old undergrad had just recently returned from Front Royal, Virginia for break when friends began to notice there was something different about him. “Well, we knew there was something wrong with him the moment we picked him up from the airport,” longtime friend Roger McNerney told Eye of the Tiber. “When we asked how things were going, he just sat back, took a deep breath and said, “‘Deus bonum est, my friends…Deus…bonum…est.’” McNerney went on to say that he and other friends are suspicious that Tate sometimes just makes up his own Latin, ending English words with -eum and -eus, knowing that no one else knows the language, and therefore cannot call him out on it. “Look…I may not know Latin, but I do know BS. I asked him what he thought about the whole North Korea thing and he came back with, ‘Well, as Socrates once said, “Situatsionem non est goodum.”‘ The family of the 19-year-old sophomore would not return our calls, but a spokesman for the Tate family have asked the public to keep their insufferable son in their prayers.
South Bend, IN––According to sources within the University of Notre Dame last week, star linebacker Manti Te’o was “duped” into attending and playing for what he believed to be a real Catholic university. The university told reporters that Te’o, who became the inspirational force behind the Fighting Irish’s Cinderella run to the BCS National Championship this season, was the target of an elaborate hoax perpetrated against him by Notre Dame officials. Deadspin.com issued a news release Wednesday reporting that it could find no record of the university’s Catholic identity ever existing. A spokesman for Notre Dame confirmed to Eye of the Tiber that Te’o had indeed been the victim of a hoax. “Officials used a fictitious Catholic identity, and were successful in ‘ingratiating themselves’ with Te’o, then conspired with other school officials posing to be scholars, in line with the Magisterium. Later that week, Te’o sat down with ESPN, telling them that he was not as much devastated, as he was confused as to why Notre Dame would go through the effort to pull off the elaborate hoax. “I mean, I’m not even Catholic…I’m Mormon”, Te’o said. “What do I care about the Catholic Church and whether the university’s in line with the Magisterium? Kinda like them, I guess. I don’t know…the whole thing is just kinda weird.”
Los Angeles, CA–Attempting to explain the physical and emotional toll that an average Sedevacantist would endure during a Novus Ordo, students at UCLA have recently begun tests on 54-year-old Sedevacantist John Weiss of Glendale, California. ”Thus far the results have been quite fascinating,” Head of the Department of Sciences at UCLA Dr. William Manders told Eye of the Tiber. “We began by strapping Mr. Weiss in a pew beside a man wearing shorts. After placing eye clips over his eyes to keep his lids from shutting, we had a woman wearing a tanktop sit directly in front of him. You could immediately see that Mr. Weiss was beginning to sweat and was becoming extremely anxious…almost agitated.”
With the help of the UCLA Theatre Department, Manders began a battery of tests on Weiss, which included a staged Novus Ordo. “It appears as though the moment Mr. Weiss runs across anything remotely sentimental during the Mass, such as a smile on the a priest’s face, his heart rate begins to rise and he begins to mutter what seem to be bitter remarks. At one point Mr. Weiss became quite physical when one of our mock parishioners went to hold his hand during the Our Father. Luckily, we already had placed a taser collar on him, which we were quick to use.”
One department faculty member said she became worried for the “poor soul” when the mock congregation, led by a bearded, ponytailed guitarist, began to sing One Bread, One Body. “He was beginning to twitch for goodness sakes, and I knew then that that was about as much as I could endure. By the time I left he was foaming at the mouth. Don’t they have sedevacantist mice they could test on?”
Steubenville, OH––The University of Steubenville, best known for their strict adherence to the Magesterium of the Catholic Church, has decided that their football playbook will continue to contain no other play but the “Hail Mary”. ”Even in football we’re called to heed the words of St. Paul when he says, ‘Pray without ceasing,’” University President Reverend Terence Henry told Eye of the Tiber just moments after he released every running back and tightend from the roster. “No matter the situation, our quarterback will continue to exclusively throw a ‘Hail Mary’. And in this way shall we proclaim the power of the rosary.” And while some have criticized Henry, calling his eccentric decision to continue to limit his play book to “Hail Marys” nothing more than a publicity stunt for the small Catholic college, Henry believes otherwise. “Look…people only tend to pray in desperate situations, and that’s wrong…so why only use this play in desperate situations? All we’re trying to do is to show people that just as you ought to pray without ceasing, so then should you also use this play without ceasing…you following me?” But the radical decision made for a humiliating defeat in a game last month against Ave Maria University when, with Steubenville down by three points with one second left in the game and just one yard from the endzone, Quarterback Rich Vaughan stepped back to pass and launched the football through the uprights and clear into the stands.