German “Bling” Bishop Asks Jesus What He Should Do That He May Have Everlasting Life

Limburg, Germany–Pope Francis has reportedly removed German Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst, dubbed the “bling” bishop, for spending 43 million dollars renovating his home in Limburg, Germany. Friends of the German Bishop told EOTT this morning that upon hearing the news, Tebartz-van Elst retired to his chapel where he proceeded to ask Jesus what he should do that he may have life everlasting. “Franz has been concerned about getting to... Read More

President Obama Meets Pope Francis; Explains The Benefits Of Using Teleprompter

VATICAN–The focus of the conversation when President Barack Obama met with Pope Francis on Thursday was expected to be the gap between the rich and the poor. Obama has called income inequality “the defining challenge of our time,” and said as much to Pope Francis before the Holy Father, mesmerized with a black teleprompter Obama was using to discuss the plight of the poor, politely asked the President to stop what he was saying and to explain... Read More

Knights Of Columbus Totally Not Catholic Version Of Freemasons

New Haven, CT––The Knights of Columbus, which are made up of wealthy white men and organized into Jurisdictions, Districts, and Councils boasting of over 14,000 local units in America alone, were founded by Fr. Michael J. McGivney, who was totally a real person and whose real name was, no joke, “McGivney,” with the mission, “to prevent Catholic men from entering secret societies whose membership was antithetical to Church teaching.”... Read More

Possible Liturgical Wreckage Spotted In Search For Missing Tabernacle

Austin, TX–Norwegian has become one of the first men to reach the area where possible debris from the missing tabernacle at St. Jude Catholic Church was spotted yesterday. The man arrived at the search zone near the janitors stock room after several parishioners noticed skid marks on the ground leading from the sanctuary to a closet located directly near the restroom. St. Jude spokesman Ben Marcos said the tabernacle seemed to have been moved to... Read More

Catholic Democrats Vote In Referendum To Secede From Catholicism

Washington—Catholic Democrats voted to secede from the Catholic Church in a referendum yesterday, with final results showing that 95.5% of ballots were in favor of becoming Pagan. Leaders from the Pagan Coalition will pass legislation allowing Catholics in the Democratic Party who follow their consciences even when they conflict with moral teachings of the Magisterium to be known as Pagans. The Vatican has welcomed the results, with the Vatican Press... Read More

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