Germany Abdicates World Cup Championship; Argentina To Assume Title

July 13, 2014 by  
Filed under Vatican

BRAZIL––The German National Team today stunned soccer fans across the globe with their announcement that they would abdicate the World Cup title, effective today. FIFA, the international governing body of association football, said today it has voted the largely unknown Argentinian National Team to assume the title of champions of the soccer world.

In a statement issued today, the German National Team wrote: “…in today’s game, subject to so many rapid changes on the pitch and shaken by questions of deep relevance for the beautiful game, in order to govern the bark of the World Cup and proclaim the goodness of futbal, both strength of mind and body are necessary, strength which in the last few quarters of play, has deteriorated in us to the extent that we have had to recognize our incapacity to adequately fulfill the duties necessary to being World Cup champions.”

The Argentinean Nation Team takes over title as FIFA is embroiled in a storm of controversy after accepting Qatar’s bid to host the 2022 World Cup. Moments after news broke that Argentina would be taking over as World Cup champions, soccer fans from the across the globe were enthusiastic about the news. One American soccer fan, Timothy Clark, told EOTT that it was a time for a change.

“The old champions were not a good fit for today’s game. They didn’t allow soccer to evolve from the antiquated way it used to be played. It seemed like they wanted to take game back to the early days of soccer. But the Argentinian team appears to be a champion for the people. They seem open to changes. I really think they will open the door to female players in the near future.”

At press time, the Argentinian National team has told the press that “If a player wants to slap another player on the butt after a goal, who are we to judge.”   

  • PureCatholic

    HaHa I’m picturing a female player having a cat fight with another player and then biting them………….

    • Deacon Raymond Moon Sr.

      That would be Uruguay……

      • PureCatholic

        Ooooooo……….Thank you Captain Obvious 🙂 lol j.k.


  • Lee Bacchi

    I expected such a story, and you did not disappoint!!

  • Traditional football fans KNOW that there has not been a valid World Cup since 1930.

    • You mean since 1970, surely, when they retired the original trophy and designed a new one…

      • Since FIFA was founded.

        • Correction: since the first FIFA World Cup (sorry about my error…I was posting ad orientem.)

    • Jedidiah Tritle


    • If the Football World Cup had, as a visible sign of the unity of football, taken place in the Vatican in 2006 or 2010, as was my desperate wish, I would have had every game played ad orientem by both teams through all the game. Would have loved to watch the referees enter wearing the capa magna, and the linesmen in their beautiful black-and-white-striped dalmatics and tunicles…

      I’m really glad that FIFA at least never adopted playing the ball with the hand, as is a notorious custom in Anglican and Episcopal football. The ball is certainly played more reverently directly with the tongue while kneeling.

      Eventually, I made my peace with FIFA yesterday. I have never been happy with their excommunication followed by their decision to create their own world champion in 1994 without my approval. If only Francis were ready to reaccept FIFA into communion with real football after yesterday’s game! But I’m afraid leading vaticanists say this will never happen. 🙁

      • A theologically sound argument, eloquently stated, Your Holiness.

        • Thank you very much, Reverend Sister! Of course this is only a working translation; please stay tuned for the original Latin version.

  • Deacon Raymond Moon Sr.

    There has not been a valid World Cup since they allowed the New Order Rules….

  • *sings* So ein Tag, so wunderschön wie heute, so ein Tag, der dürfte nie vergehn! So ein Tag, auf den ich mich so freute, so ein Tag, so wunderwunderschööööööön! *performs somersault*

  • 1crappie2

    I understand that this win/title is to be challenged because the ball was partially deflated and chemists have proven that in it was…gasp…CO2.