Scientists Test Effects of Novus Ordo On Longtime Sedevacantist

Dr. William Manders interviewed about Novus Ordo testing on Sedevacantist.

Los Angeles, CA–Attempting to explain the physical and emotional toll that an average Sedevacantist would endure during a Novus Ordo, students at UCLA have recently begun tests on 54-year-old Sedevacantist John Weiss of Glendale, California. “Thus far the results have been quite fascinating,” Head of the Department of Sciences at UCLA Dr. William Manders told Eye of the Tiber. “We began by strapping Mr. Weiss in a pew beside a man wearing shorts. After placing eye clips over his eyes to keep his lids from shutting, we had a woman wearing a tanktop sit directly in front of him. You could immediately see that Mr. Weiss was beginning to sweat and was becoming extremely anxious…almost agitated.”

With the help of the UCLA Theatre Department, Manders began a battery of tests on Weiss, which included a staged Novus Ordo. “It appears as though the moment Mr. Weiss runs across anything remotely sentimental during the Mass, such as a smile on the a priest’s face, his heart rate begins to rise and he begins to mutter what seem to be bitter remarks. At one point Mr. Weiss became quite physical when one of our mock parishioners went to hold his hand during the Our Father. Luckily, we already had placed a taser collar on him, which we were quick to use.”

One department faculty member said she became worried for the “poor soul” when the mock congregation, led by a bearded, ponytailed guitarist, began to sing One Bread, One Body. “He was beginning to twitch for goodness sakes, and I knew then that that was about as much as I could endure. By the time I left he was foaming at the mouth. Don’t they have sedevacantist mice they could test on?”