Scientists Test Effects of Novus Ordo On Longtime Sedevacantist

December 12, 2012 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads, Uncategorized

Dr. William Manders interviewed about Novus Ordo testing on Sedevacantist.

Los Angeles, CA–Attempting to explain the physical and emotional toll that an average Sedevacantist would endure during a Novus Ordo, students at UCLA have recently begun tests on 54-year-old Sedevacantist John Weiss of Glendale, California. “Thus far the results have been quite fascinating,” Head of the Department of Sciences at UCLA Dr. William Manders told Eye of the Tiber. “We began by strapping Mr. Weiss in a pew beside a man wearing shorts. After placing eye clips over his eyes to keep his lids from shutting, we had a woman wearing a tanktop sit directly in front of him. You could immediately see that Mr. Weiss was beginning to sweat and was becoming extremely anxious…almost agitated.”

With the help of the UCLA Theatre Department, Manders began a battery of tests on Weiss, which included a staged Novus Ordo. “It appears as though the moment Mr. Weiss runs across anything remotely sentimental during the Mass, such as a smile on the a priest’s face, his heart rate begins to rise and he begins to mutter what seem to be bitter remarks. At one point Mr. Weiss became quite physical when one of our mock parishioners went to hold his hand during the Our Father. Luckily, we already had placed a taser collar on him, which we were quick to use.”

One department faculty member said she became worried for the “poor soul” when the mock congregation, led by a bearded, ponytailed guitarist, began to sing One Bread, One Body. “He was beginning to twitch for goodness sakes, and I knew then that that was about as much as I could endure. By the time I left he was foaming at the mouth. Don’t they have sedevacantist mice they could test on?”

  • Martha

    You are hilarious. I think this happened to my husband, actually. It was a polka mass years ago, attended quite by accident. Can you say ‘Alleluia’ and ‘Oom-pa-pa’ at the same time? Yeah, me either.

  • Best line: “It appears as though the moment Mr. Weiss runs across anything remotely sentimental during the Mass”.

    So funny. So true.

  • This is incredibly funny. Kudos

  • Dan

    Why would the contol subject have to be a sede?

    Any orthodox Catholic would go nuts at the scenario you present.

    I am not at all a sedevacantist but I cant go to most NO Masses for the reasons you give.
    Ave Maria!

    • Jacob

      A well celebrated novus ordo (Latin, ad orientem, etc. is pretty great). Unfortunately most orthodox priests seem unwilling to do anything except the new Mass on English and the old in Latin.

      • Fr-James Netusil

        Amen. This priest (me) is beginning to integrate ad orientem into Mass and a bit of Latin. When NO is done right it can be beautiful. I’ve gotten a lump in my throat at a NO Mass but never TLM because it’s just so robotic.

        • Warren

          We had “Latin Lent” at our college daily Masses (OF) this past Spring. Our chaplain initiated the temporary change because he wanted to learn and practice more Latin so he could participate more fully in international gatherings said/sung in Latin. We held two brief practices after two Masses in preparation for the first Mass with added Latin, and then over the course of the 40 days kept adding additional Ordinary chants. The congregation participated confidently and the opinion was entirely favourable. Try it folks—it works! Next step, ad orientem!

          • Adrian Johnson

            I presume it was the NO in Latin? It’s very attractive and reverent without being as long as the Extraordinary form.

        • Mara319

          With all due respect, Father – you’ve got to be kidding. Chanting the Propers, which varies from Mass to Mass can’t be robotic. Try chanting the Collect, the Epistle and the Gospel in Latin and see how they feel.

      • Adrian Johnson

        I really like the NO in Latin; it was done regularly on Fridays at an Anglican Ordinariate Church I attended in Texas some years ago.

    • Rose

      You know, I was going to say the same thing about certain very traditional Catholics. And I was going to say how sad it was because the Mass is the Mass no matter what the music sounds like or whether people hold hands during the Our Father. Yeah, certain precepts have to be there. But I think the beauty of ending up at a Mass that isn’t celebrated the way we like it–whether that’s uber-traditional style or praise-and-worship style–is it forces us to actively seek out Christ, which is the reason we’re there in the first place.

  • Dan

    Mea Culpa.
    I see the “Onioneque” style of your blog.

    Very funny!

  • The truer something is, the funnier it is. This was absolutely hilarious.

  • Robert_H

    It’s not just the Sedevacantists, either. Those of us who attend our diocesan TLM react to the bearded guitarist and OBOB like this too.

  • RocketSurgeon

    Good thing the experiment wasn’t performed at my Parish. The saxophone and congas would have positively exploded his twitchy head.

    And that part isn’t satire. True story. Really.

    • Daniel

      I’m sorry. You’ll have less time in purgatory though.

    • Noel

      I am so sorry.

    • Casper

      Why don’t you get up and dance, if they’re playing dance music? Or at least snap your fingers in a loud flashy way? That’s why I do when the congas begin…

      • Adrian Johnson

        Our now-retired and much-loved Traditionalist Priest had a wry sense of humour. When the diocese would send him some mail-out addressed to “director of liturgical dance” he’d hand it to me because the very concept made me foam at the mouth.
        He even put my name down in the parish Bulletin April 1st one year as “Director of Liturgical Dance” and advised new parish members to contact me if they wanted to volunteer for my “ministry”.

        • Casper

          That’s awesome – – but, I’m afraid to ask – – why did he view *you* as the Director of Liturgical Dance? Just a joke, I s’pose…

          • Adrian Johnson

            Well, you have to understand this took place in Texas:
            One week-day when it was just the regulars after Mass, we (about 8 of us) were drinking coffee outside the pastor’s office and I was trying to explain the difference between Rugger and American Football.
            I mentioned that the “All-Blacks” were famous for dancing the hakka before games to intimidate the other team and of course, this being Texas, nobody had heard of either the All Blacks or the hakka; so I put down my cup and proceeded to demonstrate the hakka.

            Father stuck his head out of the door to see what all the noise & hilarity was about, and the rest is history– he considered the hakka my successful job interview for “Minister of Liturgical Dance.”

          • Richard Mondak
  • Gosh, that’s exactly how I feel when anyone sings “One Bread, One Body”! And all go to are NO Masses. Perhaps I can get the local university to put an EKG on me and see how I enter a Beta state and tune it out… I think this experiment would be outlawed for extreme cruelty in the post-Stanley Milgram world! This is my favorite new blog.

  • Horatio

    A commenter said “the Mass is the Mass no matter…”

    That is the root of the problem right there. No, the Mass is not the Mass no matter if… whatever. Is the Mass the Mass if there is no valid consecration of the Host? The problem is the selfishness of Catholics like yourselves. The Mass is not about YOU. It has a single purpose- the renewal of the Sacrifice of Christ to atone for our sins.

    When Catholics, in their selfishness, demand that the Mass be entertaining, and informal (you wouldn’t meet the president dressed like you’re at a football game, why go to meet Christ like that?), and short (because Sunday is your day off and you actually want to enjoy it, not spend half the morning in boring church with boring Jesus), you do a disservice to those of us who are there for Christ and His Church. You want a Protestant service, please go join a Protestant church, and leave Catholicism to those who are serious about it. You know, like the Pope, who refuses to allow shorts and skirts and happy-clappy Protestant music at the Masses he celebrates. I guess that old fuddy duddy must be a sedevacantist, too?

    • Deacon Chris

      Horatio – just to be clear, the Church has never taught that the Mass is a “renewal” of the Sacrifice of Christ… When the Mass is celebrated Validly and Licitly, we are made present at the actual sacrifice of Christ on the Cross. We are there, at the foot of the Cross. We do not re-sacrifice, we do not prolong the sacrifice, we do not renew the sacrifice, we are made present AT the Sacrifice…

      Along those lines – if the Mass is said validly and licitly, it really does not matter what language it is said in. I know that Angels speak Latin as their primary language, but they are astonishingly smart – I read somewhere where they have taken it upon themselves to learn English, Spanish, and Tagalog…

      • Marko

        Read Trent dude…ditch Hahn.

        • CW Betts

          “DItch Hahn? really? That is the most ignorant comment I have seen today.

    • Mara319

      “You know, like the Pope, who refuses to allow shorts and skirts and happy-clappy Protestant music at the Masses he celebrates.”
      Point taken, but wrong example. The Pope did celebrate a Beach Mass in Rio (with happy-clappy bikinis, beach balls and music) and the “Tango Mass” in his community. What a shame.

    • catybug

      Actually the baptost services and cowboy church Ive been too with family last 2-3 hours. Just saying.

      And on a different note, informality I can agree with to a point. Daily masses Im a little more leniant on, because people will come from/are going to work/school and dont always have time to change. And also some people cant afford better than jeans. As gor praise and worship music….isnt it still giving glory to God? As long as the mass is valid, I dont understand whats wrong. Some people worship different. Ive been to a Marachi mass in Mexico, and guess what? Jesus was still in tje Body and Blood. In the sane way you tell everyone else mass isnt about them, its not bout you eitner.

  • Catholic Coach

    Anybody see the Christmas Vigil Mass celebrated by the Pope this year?

  • Salvelinus

    Ugghhh – I remember “One Bread, One Body” – Oh, the nightmares are returning….

    • PureCatholic

      One bread one Body… One Lord of all….. I have nightmares every night about this!

  • PureCatholic

    I would do the same thing. lol ROFL

  • Kim Bo

    I have become a sedevacantist and only take the sacraments at an independent chapel, but I still make my living as pianist/organist and choir director at a nervous ordo parish. It becomes more and more unbearable each Sunday.

  • A.T.

    Every ‘priest’ and ‘bishop’ ordained and consecrated in the post June 1968 rite of holy orders are invalid.Going to any diocesan ‘mass’ anymore is a waste of time.

  • pat

    If only people had reacted that way when all of this garbage started…..Oh , right. Some did. They were thrown out.

  • Richard Mondak