Scientists Test Effects of Novus Ordo On Longtime Sedevacantist

December 12, 2012 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads, Uncategorized

Dr. William Manders interviewed about Novus Ordo testing on Sedevacantist.

Los Angeles, CA–Attempting to explain the physical and emotional toll that an average Sedevacantist would endure during a Novus Ordo, students at UCLA have recently begun tests on 54-year-old Sedevacantist John Weiss of Glendale, California. ”Thus far the results have been quite fascinating,” Head of the Department of Sciences at UCLA Dr. William Manders told Eye of the Tiber. “We began by strapping Mr. Weiss in a pew beside a man wearing shorts. After placing eye clips over his eyes to keep his lids from shutting, we had a woman wearing a tanktop sit directly in front of him. You could immediately see that Mr. Weiss was beginning to sweat and was becoming extremely anxious…almost agitated.”

With the help of the UCLA Theatre Department, Manders began a battery of tests on Weiss, which included a staged Novus Ordo. “It appears as though the moment Mr. Weiss runs across anything remotely sentimental during the Mass, such as a smile on the a priest’s face, his heart rate begins to rise and he begins to mutter what seem to be bitter remarks. At one point Mr. Weiss became quite physical when one of our mock parishioners went to hold his hand during the Our Father. Luckily, we already had placed a taser collar on him, which we were quick to use.”

One department faculty member said she became worried for the “poor soul” when the mock congregation, led by a bearded, ponytailed guitarist, began to sing One Bread, One Body. “He was beginning to twitch for goodness sakes, and I knew then that that was about as much as I could endure. By the time I left he was foaming at the mouth. Don’t they have sedevacantist mice they could test on?”

  • Martha

    You are hilarious. I think this happened to my husband, actually. It was a polka mass years ago, attended quite by accident. Can you say ‘Alleluia’ and ‘Oom-pa-pa’ at the same time? Yeah, me either.

  • http://LayEvangelist.com Gomer

    Best line: “It appears as though the moment Mr. Weiss runs across anything remotely sentimental during the Mass”.

    So funny. So true.

  • http://southernvermontcrank.blogspot.com/ I am not Spartacus

    This is incredibly funny. Kudos

  • Dan

    Why would the contol subject have to be a sede?

    Any orthodox Catholic would go nuts at the scenario you present.

    I am not at all a sedevacantist but I cant go to most NO Masses for the reasons you give.
    Ave Maria!

    • Jacob

      A well celebrated novus ordo (Latin, ad orientem, etc. is pretty great). Unfortunately most orthodox priests seem unwilling to do anything except the new Mass on English and the old in Latin.

    • Rose

      You know, I was going to say the same thing about certain very traditional Catholics. And I was going to say how sad it was because the Mass is the Mass no matter what the music sounds like or whether people hold hands during the Our Father. Yeah, certain precepts have to be there. But I think the beauty of ending up at a Mass that isn’t celebrated the way we like it–whether that’s uber-traditional style or praise-and-worship style–is it forces us to actively seek out Christ, which is the reason we’re there in the first place.

  • Dan

    Mea Culpa.
    I see the “Onioneque” style of your blog.

    Very funny!

  • http://catholicinbrooklyn.blogspot.com Mary

    The truer something is, the funnier it is. This was absolutely hilarious.

  • Robert_H

    It’s not just the Sedevacantists, either. Those of us who attend our diocesan TLM react to the bearded guitarist and OBOB like this too.

  • RocketSurgeon

    Good thing the experiment wasn’t performed at my Parish. The saxophone and congas would have positively exploded his twitchy head.

    And that part isn’t satire. True story. Really.

    • Daniel

      I’m sorry. You’ll have less time in purgatory though.

  • http://www.thecatholicbeat.com Gail Finke

    Gosh, that’s exactly how I feel when anyone sings “One Bread, One Body”! And all go to are NO Masses. Perhaps I can get the local university to put an EKG on me and see how I enter a Beta state and tune it out… I think this experiment would be outlawed for extreme cruelty in the post-Stanley Milgram world! This is my favorite new blog.

  • Horatio

    A commenter said “the Mass is the Mass no matter…”

    That is the root of the problem right there. No, the Mass is not the Mass no matter if… whatever. Is the Mass the Mass if there is no valid consecration of the Host? The problem is the selfishness of Catholics like yourselves. The Mass is not about YOU. It has a single purpose- the renewal of the Sacrifice of Christ to atone for our sins.

    When Catholics, in their selfishness, demand that the Mass be entertaining, and informal (you wouldn’t meet the president dressed like you’re at a football game, why go to meet Christ like that?), and short (because Sunday is your day off and you actually want to enjoy it, not spend half the morning in boring church with boring Jesus), you do a disservice to those of us who are there for Christ and His Church. You want a Protestant service, please go join a Protestant church, and leave Catholicism to those who are serious about it. You know, like the Pope, who refuses to allow shorts and skirts and happy-clappy Protestant music at the Masses he celebrates. I guess that old fuddy duddy must be a sedevacantist, too?

    • Deacon Chris

      Horatio – just to be clear, the Church has never taught that the Mass is a “renewal” of the Sacrifice of Christ… When the Mass is celebrated Validly and Licitly, we are made present at the actual sacrifice of Christ on the Cross. We are there, at the foot of the Cross. We do not re-sacrifice, we do not prolong the sacrifice, we do not renew the sacrifice, we are made present AT the Sacrifice…

      Along those lines – if the Mass is said validly and licitly, it really does not matter what language it is said in. I know that Angels speak Latin as their primary language, but they are astonishingly smart – I read somewhere where they have taken it upon themselves to learn English, Spanish, and Tagalog…

      • Marko

        Read Trent dude…ditch Hahn.

  • Catholic Coach

    Anybody see the Christmas Vigil Mass celebrated by the Pope this year?

  • Salvelinus

    Ugghhh – I remember “One Bread, One Body” – Oh, the nightmares are returning….