Tag Archives: Sedevacantist

New Study: Sedevacantists Feeling Our Pain…A Lot

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Oyster Bay Cove, NY–A new study out today by the Society of St. Pius V reveals that 85% of its members are currently feeling the pain of non-sedevacantist Catholics. The study, done at the Church of Saint Luke in Oyster Bay Cove, New York, asked 200 parishioners to rate how much of non-sedevacantist Catholics’ pain they felt in regards to the current Sede Vacante at the Vatican. “We asked them to rate their feelings on a scale of 8 to 10. 10 being A lot,“ St. Luke Pastor Fr. Gregory Pierce told reporters. “Of the 200 polled, 170 said that they had no words to describe the pain they felt.” Pierce went on to reiterate “a lot,” telling reporters that when he said ”a lot,” that he meant, “a lot, a lot,” before bitterly adding, “For goodness sakes…43 freaking years or so we’ve been going through this. Do you know what that feels like? I mean, multiply the one week you all have been going through this, times 48 weeks a year, times our 43 years…basically, we feel your pain about 2,064 times more than you.”

Scientists Test Effects of Novus Ordo On Longtime Sedevacantist

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Dr. William Manders interviewed about Novus Ordo testing on Sedevacantist.

Los Angeles, CA–Attempting to explain the physical and emotional toll that an average Sedevacantist would endure during a Novus Ordo, students at UCLA have recently begun tests on 54-year-old Sedevacantist John Weiss of Glendale, California. ”Thus far the results have been quite fascinating,” Head of the Department of Sciences at UCLA Dr. William Manders told Eye of the Tiber. “We began by strapping Mr. Weiss in a pew beside a man wearing shorts. After placing eye clips over his eyes to keep his lids from shutting, we had a woman wearing a tanktop sit directly in front of him. You could immediately see that Mr. Weiss was beginning to sweat and was becoming extremely anxious…almost agitated.”

With the help of the UCLA Theatre Department, Manders began a battery of tests on Weiss, which included a staged Novus Ordo. “It appears as though the moment Mr. Weiss runs across anything remotely sentimental during the Mass, such as a smile on the a priest’s face, his heart rate begins to rise and he begins to mutter what seem to be bitter remarks. At one point Mr. Weiss became quite physical when one of our mock parishioners went to hold his hand during the Our Father. Luckily, we already had placed a taser collar on him, which we were quick to use.”

One department faculty member said she became worried for the “poor soul” when the mock congregation, led by a bearded, ponytailed guitarist, began to sing One Bread, One Body. “He was beginning to twitch for goodness sakes, and I knew then that that was about as much as I could endure. By the time I left he was foaming at the mouth. Don’t they have sedevacantist mice they could test on?”