Quick-Thinking Parishioners Rush Altar To Assist Lone Priest

January 8, 2013 by  
Filed under Mass, Uncategorized

Culver City, CA––Parishioners of St. Raymond Catholic Church in Culver City, California were forced to jump into action during Mass early Monday morning when it appeared that only one priest would be available for the consecration. According to sources at the scene, parishioners went into a frenzy when it appeared that visiting priest Fr. Bryce Carbone was close to saying the words of consecration all by himself. “Our regular pastor, Fr. Ed, usually invites us all to gather and encircle the Lord’s table during consecration,” said longtime parishioner Donna Fullwood, before reassuring reporters that Carbone was doing well despite his brush with Mass without liturgical participation. “All I can say is it was a close call. I know a few parishioners are a little shaken up thinking of what could’ve happened if they hadn’t been able to participate. All’s well that ends well, though.” 56-year-old Fullwood went on to recount the story of how 20 or so quick-thinking parishioners rushed into action as Carbone prepared to consecrate the bread and wine without a single layman there to assist him. “We all looked at each other like ‘Oh no,’ then rushed to the altar as quick as we could and surounded it. Then we all lifted one hand each in the concelabratory way. It was amazing how fast everyone moved to assist Fr. Bryce. I’m sure he’s really thankful. Maybe they’ll make a movie about it one day, like Zero Dark Thirty or something.”

  • Brilliant and funny as hell

  • Mike Malone

    Funny……but how many will actually believe it?

  • There is no “St. Raymond Catholic Church” in Culver City, California

    I am the Pastor of St. Raymond Catholic Church in Downey, California and there are NEVER any lay people “assisting” in the Consecration at this Parish.

    • Roberto

      Father John, bless you and the work you do for the Church.
      Please remember that none of the stories posted here are true. They are all satirical exaggerations of occasional trends (usually bad ones) one sees in Catholic Churches. That is why the Parish mentioned does not exist.
      And if you knew that already, please take this as a clarification for any unsuspecting visitors to this smile-inducing site.

      • Micha Elyi

        Trouble is, it seemed all too plausible.

        Even the quickest satirical wit can’t keep up with reality these days.

  • Diffal

    I know this is paraody but it wouldn’t suprise me if it were actually happening somewhere. I had to catch Mass on the hoof last sunday as I had to travel, i managed to get to a Cathedral parish on route. The Homily was simply the retelling of a eulogy given at a funeral, the only addition being “and she also said…”, where the EMHC rushed the Altar for the Agnus Dei and proceeded to recieve the Host as if concelebrants and ‘showed it off’ along with the priest at the ‘Lord I am not worthy…’

    • Martha

      You’re kidding, right, Diffal? I think we’ve all seen the EMHCs up there during consecration, but to elevate the host with the priest? Barf. TLM people, TLM. Find one, now!

  • Thank God this is not true. I thought that the Church had gotten further off the cliff.

  • Marc

    Hahaha poor Fr. John Higgins!

  • Micha Elyi

    Can we now do away with Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion in all but truly extraordinary circumstances? Every Sunday mass is not an extraordinary occurrence. Unnecessary use of EMHCs profanes the sacrament.

    • Fr D

      That depends, should we also do away with the Extraordinary Form of the Mass except for truly extraordinary circumstances? (Sorry, I like stirring up trouble at times).

      • Michael Schumacher

        Fortunately for us, forma extraordinaria is not the “official” name for the TLM:

        “The motu proprio itself speaks in its first words of the ‘extraordinary use’ and of the ‘ancient form’ (antiqua forma) of the Roman Rite. In its articles, mention is made of ‘the Roman Missal promulgated by St. Pius V and reissued by Bl. John XXIII’ (that is, Missal of St. Pius V also is as ‘official’ as ‘Missal of Bl. John XXIII’ – no wonder Cardinal Navarette-Cortes used the term in 2008); it is an ‘extraordinary expression’ (extraordinaria expressio), and also ‘extraordinary form’ (forma extraordinaria). It is also called by the motu proprio the ‘earlier liturgical tradition’.

        “The rites of sacraments according to the Traditional Rituale Romanum are characterized as according to the more ancient ritual (Rituale antiquior), same adjective applied to the Pontifical, and to the form itself: earlier form (forma antiquior).

        “All these names are included in the short text of the motu proprio Summorum Pontificum itself!”

    • John Tuturice

      I completely agree with this. After reading Redemptionis Sacramentum a few years ago which clearly notes that EMHCs are to be used in extraordinary circumstances only, I’ve been puzzled as to why so many priests don’t “get it” yet. Even if they are aware of it, when pressed they say they have to “take it slow” as the people aren’t ready yet. Meanwhile, years go by and nothing gets done. If any priest is reading this who thinks this way, please note: Lay people are not children. Many of them hold advanced degrees and most of them are more than willing to do what the Church actually says should be done in the Mass. All you need is to explain it to us. Do NOT baby us. It only makes it worse. Do what you are called to be, which is AUTHENTIC fatherhood. Don’t be wimpy. We don’t need wimpy, spineless priests. We need manly priests who will tell us what we really need to hear. Christ was a real man and was not wimpy. Imitate Him, not the wimps. Remember, Jesus said that God spits out the luke warm.

    • Commodore Windsock

      Actually it profanes the sacrament only for those who have a broomstick up their nether regions.

  • Deb Parise

    There were people who got angry at Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal…

  • HA HA HA

  • Kay Campion

    I didn’t know this was a parody. I thought the parishioners had gone crazy! I got the link off Twitter with no reference to satire. I’ve read in NCR about nutty happenings at Masses in the Midwest. Dan Burke wrote about it. Priests have been consecrating the bread and wine alone at their own Masses for centuries if they do not say a public Mass. I’m afraid the laity is overstepping their bounds. Unless you are at least a Deacon, you are NOT allowed to participate behind the altar. That’s what I was taught.

  • Catholic Coach

    It’s a good thing these parishioners were on top of the situation. Their quick actions averted a potential disaster. No EMHC’s involved in the distribution of the Holy Eucharist? Unthinkable!!!

  • I don’s see what the fuss is all about. You can read about that kind of thing all over the place. Like this article I read in the Krikkiesfontein Herald two yeas ago. Here is the snippet:


    John Robinson of Our Lady of the Way Out Catholic church in Krikkiesfontein, Orange Free State, RSA, complained to a Krikkiesfontein Herald reporter of his inability to receive Communion on Sunday from the parish priest, Fr Jan Pieterse.
    “It’s like he’s got this phalanx of women ministers of the eucharist that set themselves up all over the church at Communion time,” he said. “You can’t get near him. You can’t just join a queue and when you get to the front walk right past them. I tried that once and Mrs Ockerse gave me the eye. Ever been given the eye by a woman minister of the eucharist?”
    “I’ve tried everything. Sliding from one aisle to the next. Using a side door. Going into a pew I wasn’t sitting in. I bump into them every time and some of them are pretty hefty.”
    When asked to comment Fr Pieterse replied that the ministers of the eucharist served a valuable need in helping to expedite the distribution of
    Communion amongst the 62-member congregation. “Christ is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. It doesn’t matter who you receive him from.” He added that the eucharistic ministers would be visiting John Robinson in a body to discuss the situation with him. “I’m sure they will clear thngs up with him,” he said.

  • Corbin

    This is freaking brilliant. The last line about “Zero Dark Thirty” almost put me in stitches. Keep up the good work!!!

  • brendathewriter

    Umm, commenters? Especially the fellow at St. Raymond’sin another city?

    It is called SATIRE. SATIRIC COMEDY. As in The Onion, Doonsbury, and Mad Magazine. A form of humor.

    They are poking fun at you neo-conservatives (article about nuns on bus looking for lost veils), liberals (this article), the Vatican, current and past popes, and I am sure evetually the “special rite” denominations that are not Roman but who are part of the Vatican. They are also posting jokes about things like Catholics on Ash Wednesday being told there is dirt on their head, which applys to a whole bunch of Catholics in the world who are not connected to Rome at all.

    So far, no one subgroup in Romanism seems to be getting singled out, so just sit back, take a deep breathe, and laugh. It is not real news. It is fabricated stories to make a point.

    In this point, that every neo-con Roman parish I have gone to still has people who refuse the new wording, send the kids to Episcopal VBS, still like folk music, and couldn’t care less that you don’t like it. Also touches on the fact that new neo-con clergy that don’t pay attention to what the community needs end up losing members and money unless they can getmore neo-cons to move into the area. Both valid ongoing discussions within the Roman church as the Benedict-ites, Vatican II raised folks, and the increasingly unhappy moderate Romans try to figure out how to coexist in one big barn of a building with only 2 masses and one priest.

    Relax. Here comment on the humor. The issues? What did Francis just say? Don’t Judge. Go sit in at next parish council meeting. If you are neo-con, how can you make the liberal and moderate in the next pew feel like part of the community?

    • Casper

      Wait – – when you say “neo-con”, do you actually mean “neo-lib”? ‘Cause I think it’s the neo-libs who like folk music, send the kids to Episcopal VBS, refuse the new wording, etc.

  • PureCatholic

    I personally would like to thank those parishioners for there quick thinking lol

  • Jeremy Volz

    Ordinary extra Eucharistic ministers is what they are now.