Pewsitter Employee Considering Adding A Few Additional Exclamation Points To Headline

July 27, 2015 by  
Filed under Politics

After close to an hour of staring at the headline he had just written about Pope Francis, an employee at the news aggregation website Pewsitter has reportedly begun questioning whether or not to add an additional exclamation point or three, sources have revealed. The unnamed Pewsitter writer reportedly told a fellow staff member this morning that after having written his most recent headline about the Pontiff, that he wasn’t sure whether or not the headline... Read More

Barron Wondering Why Bad Things Happen To Good People

July 21, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Just hours after being named auxiliary bishop to the Archdiocese of Los Angeles by Pope Francis, Fr. Robert Barron has reportedly begun contemplating the problem of suffering and why bad things happen to good people. “I just don’t get it,” a despondent Barron told EOTT as he walked sadly along the shore kicking rocks. “I’m not saying I’m a saint or anything, but I’m not an altogether bad guy. I help the poor and I’m genuinely nice to people.... Read More

World Somehow Shocked After Sting Operation Reveals Corporation Widely Known For Murdering Helpless Babies Involved In Unethical Practices

July 17, 2015 by  
Filed under Politics

Days after a sting operation caught on video showed a top Planned Parenthood official casually discussing the shipment of aborted fetus body parts to research labs around the country, many in the world are still somehow shocked that a corporation that makes hundreds of millions of dollars for dismembering helpless babies and scaring vulnerable girls has been involved in unethical practices. “Well I think there’s been a kind of misrepresentation... Read More

Trump Reportedly No Longer Considering Pope Francis As Running Mate

July 13, 2015 by  
Filed under Politics

Close to a week after presidential nominee Donald Trump called Mexicans “rapists” and “disease carriers,” the 69-year-old business mogul has now decided not to ask Pope Francis to run as his vice presidential nominee after learning that the Pontiff speaks Spanish. “Mr. Trump has decided that, though the Pope is not Mexican, he still represents a threat to the U.S. because Argentina and Mexico are practically the same thing, if you know what I’m... Read More

SSPX Sentences Priest To 1,000 Lashes For Smiling During Mass

July 2, 2015 by  
Filed under Libs & Trads

Society of St. Pius X priest Fr. Donald Johnson has been sentenced to three years in prison and 1,000 lashes for allegedly smiling during the Mass two weeks ago. Johnson was arrested by SSPX officials in June during a Mass after being caught on video looking happy, SSPX officials reported. Johnson is scheduled to receive 50 lashes a week for 20 weeks. Officials stated that Johnson first came to the attention of SSPX bishops close to a year ago after a... Read More