Swiss Guard Wondering Where The Hell All The Action Is

April 26, 2017 by  
Filed under Vatican


Image:gnuckx   New member of the Swiss Guard Leon Habsburg has reportedly made a formal complaint to Commander of the Pontifical Swiss Guard Christoph Graf this morning requesting more action. “I grew up playing Call of Duty,” Habsburg told EOTT near the entrance to the Sistine Chapel. “I got so good at it that I found that I had the expertise, the poise and confidence to pray my rosary for the Pope while risking my many lives in Modern Warfare.” That’s... Read More

Attention Whore Kneels To Receive Communion

April 21, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Image: Paterm

Image: Paterm Parishioners in the Southwest Indiana confirmed today that new parishioner Adriana Lambert is nothing more than a holier-than-thou, attention seeking parasite after she was seen kneeling to receive communion. According to several eyewitnesses, 32-year-old Lambert, who was also seen wearing a mantilla “like some wanna be nun who didn’t have the guts to commit to the religious life” walked up to Fr. Kevin O’Donnell... Read More

Man Left With No Option But To Attend Spanish Mass

April 20, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Mexican Dance

  After spending nearly an hour online trying to find a Mass to attend after his flight lands Sunday evening, Timothy Brown of La Jolla, California came to terms this morning with the unhappy realization that he had no other option but to attend the Spanish Mass. “I mean, listen, I know Mass is Mass no matter the language, but I’d just prefer English,” Brown told EOTT. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Mexicans…they’re great and they have... Read More

Catholic Woman Who Moved In With Boyfriend 8 Years Ago Confident He’ll Be Proposing Any Day Now

April 19, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Holding Hands

  Local Catholic Becky Donaldson confirmed this week that she is absolutely confident that her live-in boyfriend of eight years, Kevin Reynolds,  will soon be proposing. “I’m just so excited,” a teary-eyed Donaldson told some of her girlfriends gathered at a local restaurant last night. “We’ve been waiting until we’re in a financially comfortable situation. I mean, we were financially comfortable a few years ago, and then he bought... Read More

Altar Boy with Napkin May Have Missed Germ Or Two During Veneration

April 17, 2017 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Veneration of the Cross

  An altar boy is under investigation this week after several sources at St. John the Baptist Catholic Church reported witnessing a “mark” that looked “a lot like lipstick” left on the crucifix that was being used for veneration during Good Friday services. According to an altar boy who was assisting the young man, pressure was unlike anything he’s witnessed in his tenure as Second in Command Candle Bearer. “It was a deluge of saliva-coated... Read More

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