Show Off Does Novena In Eight Days

October 25, 2020 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

Obnoxious, overachieving Catholic Lamett Erickson informed family and friends Tuesday morning that he had completed his novena a day early. The novena, being said for a friend currently going through financial hardship, was scheduled to end on the day she was to be interviewed for a new job. “I mean, I guess I appreciate the fact that Lamett did the novena for me,” said friend Alejandra Jenkins. “No, you know what, forget that.... Read More

Trad Skank Showing Some Ankle

October 24, 2020 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

Sources at Mass this morning said that local parishioner Elize Thompson, a “once devout woman worthy to be in their presence” has now become an abomination to the community after revealing some ankle. “It was nothing short of scandalous and horrifying to see,” said longtime friend Louis Green. “I mean, leave something to the imagination, am I right? Tramp.” “Whore!” called Thompson’s mother... Read More

Two Of The Greatest Political Minds Of Our Generation Watch The Debate From Some Bar In Toledo, Ohio

October 23, 2020 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

Two of the greatest political minds of this generation, Geoffrey Wilkinson and long time friend Dennis Smith, met at a local bar in Toledo, Ohio last night to watch the second presidential debate. Wilkinson, who has successfully come up with a way to give all Americans free, quality healthcare and who is currently unemployed, was on his third Bud Light when he told EOTT that he has also found a way to block foreign interference in U.S. elections. “It... Read More

Catholic Answers Hires 75 New Apologists Just To Deal With Pope Francis Interviews

October 22, 2020 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

The largest lay-run apostolate in the United States has just gotten a little bigger. Catholic Answers, based out of San Diego, California today announced that they have hired 75 new apologists that would exclusively “deal with Pope Francis interviews and documentaries.” Just a day after a documentary premiered in which the Holy Father appears to endorse same-sex civil unions, Catholic Answers, overwhelmed with the near daily “Francis... Read More

Jim Gaffigan Officially Confirmed Catholic After Delivering Self-Righteous Rant On Social Media

September 1, 2020 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

Days after Jim Gaffigan took to social media in a self-righteous Twitter rant about Donald Trump and his supporters, the Vatican has officially confirmed the 54-year-old comedian, officially making him a Catholic.  “We’re obviously so happy to have one of the most popular Catholic comedians officially be confirmed Catholic,” said local priest, Fr. Timothy McCoy. “Confirmation is obviously the beginning of a new life in Christ, but what... Read More

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