Pope Michael Not Sure What To Do With $1.6 Billion Dollar Check From Government

Pope Michael has been granted $1.6 billion dollars in federal coronavirus aid, and the co-called “true” Vicar of Christ has no clue what to do with it. “If you’re wondering what I’m wondering, which is how did I get approved for $1.6 billion in federal aid without even applying for it, well, I think I have an answer,” said Pope Michael preparing to jump off... Read More

Pope Michael Declares Emergency to Install Communion Rails

Pope Michael announced Friday that he was declaring a state of emergency to construct communion rails in all Catholic churches across the globe. Bypassing Pope Francis, Michael said he would use executive action “granted to him by God” to siphon money from the Knights of Columbus as well as Peter’s Pence to help pay for the rails, an aide said. Michael made the announcement from his... Read More

“I Will Not Say A Single World” Pope Michael Tells Lineup Of Teddy Bears Holding Fake Tape Recorders

  Pope Michael Tuesday told a line of teddy bears dressed as reporters sitting on his bed that he will not respond to accusations that he knew about allegations against Cardinal Theodore McCarrick. The Pope told the teddy bears and one G.I Joe figurine that he had read the document but that he “will not say a single word on this.” “I must tell you sincerely that, I must say... Read More

Francis To Visit Kansas To Commemorate 26th Anniversary Of Pope Michael Election To Papacy

The Vatican has announced that Pope Francis will visit Kansas in July to commemorate the 26th anniversary of Pope Michael’s election to the papacy, just months before visiting Sweden to commemorate the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation. During the July 16th trip to Kansas, Francis will take part in a joint prayer service with the conclavist community, the Vatican reported earlier this... Read More

A Melancholy Pope Michael Still Waiting For Panama Delegates, Welcoming Committee To Pick Him Up From Airport

Photo: AndrewHermez   Pope Michael landed in Panama for the first time on Tuesday, launching a six-day visit that will highlight his love for the Tridentine Mass and his desire to tackle the Church’s most significant political controversies. In an unprecedented welcome for a Church dignitary, the manager at the airport’s Orange Julius, his wife, and their daughters, along with 17-year-old... Read More

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