“Minotaurs And Krakens Is Where I Draw The line,” Pope Francis Says. “I Would Not Convert Them”
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VATICAN–Pope Francis said in his morning Mass on Monday that if Martians came to him asking to be baptized he wouldn’t turn them away, but that when it came to krakens, unicorns, minotaurs, and British elves, he would have to say “absolutely not,” Vatican radio reports. “If, for example, tomorrow an expedition of Martians came, and some of them came to us, here… Martians,... Read More
“Screw It, Just Canonize Them All,” The Vatican Says
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VATICAN––The Vatican this morning is announcing that every pope that has ever lived, including ones still living, is to be canonized by the end of the year, sources are confirming. The news comes just a week after John XXIII and John Paul II were canonized, and a day after it was announced that Paul VI was to be beatified later this year. A Vatican insider told EOTT today that Pope Francis... Read More
Vatican Press Office Officially Announces All Phone Lines in Vatican To Be Disconnected For Remainder Of Pontificate
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VATICAN––The Vatican Press Office Director Father Federico Lombardi issued a statement to the media today concerning Pope Francis’ recent telephone call to a divorced and remarried Argentine woman, in which he supposedly gave her permission to receive Holy Communion. The woman at the center of the story, Jacqui Sabetta, and her ex-husband told reporters that His Holiness told them... Read More
Pope Francis Washes Feet Of Eight Men, One Woman, A Muslim, Ferret, And A Double Amputee
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VATICAN–Pope Francis visited the Don Gnocchi Center in Rome today to wash the feet of 12 residents for the Holy Week ritual. According to the Catholic Information Service, those 12 included one woman, a Muslim, a pet ferret named Wilbur, and a double amputee, which falls in line with Pope Francis’ actions during last year’s Maundy Thursday. The ceremony, which is rooted in... Read More
President Obama Meets Pope Francis; Explains The Benefits Of Using Teleprompter
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VATICAN–The focus of the conversation when President Barack Obama met with Pope Francis on Thursday was expected to be the gap between the rich and the poor. Obama has called income inequality “the defining challenge of our time,” and said as much to Pope Francis before the Holy Father, mesmerized with a black teleprompter Obama was using to discuss the plight of the poor, politely asked... Read More