New State-Of-The-Art Church Promises Comforts Of The Future

October 29, 2012 by  
Filed under Mass, Uncategorized

LONDON––A new state-of-the-art church in London opened today with Christmas/Easter size crowds eager for an opportunity to experience the next generation of churches. St. Joseph Cupertino Parish pastor Roger O’Malley gave Eye of the Tiber an exclusive tour of the mega Catholic Church. “As you can see everyone gets their own synthetic leather recliner, which includes storage space to keep foods and drinks cold during Mass,” O’Malley said. “One of the things we’re most excited about are these monitors on the back of each headrest which will allow parishioners easier viewing of the Mass. Of course each monitor will be equipped with Netflix and updated NFL scores.” The church also includes moving sidewalks to move parishioners up to communion without having to take unnecessary steps, as well as an option for a low dosage of Xanax to help ease nerves of those going through trials. Other features of the church will be communion dispensers to help stop the spread of germs, cyborgs for lone parishioners to hold hands with during the Our Father, and kneelers that automatically rise to touch parishioners’ knees while they remain reclining.


  • Panda Rosa

    Looks for all the world like some corporate headquarters with its logo cleverly worked into the front design. Is that supposed to be anything or is it just meant to look cool.

  • Roberto

    Panda Rosa, you do realize that this is a parody and there is no such church, right?

  • Cory

    Finally, upgraded modern kneelers!

  • Catholic Coach

    What, no drive-up Reconciliation or Eucharist lanes? Let’s get with the 21st Century!

  • Solly Snapper

    Oh dear. You think this is satire, but consider that the recent renovation of Glasgow Cathedral in Scotland did in fact include wide-screen LCD television sets mounted on the Gothic pillars, for the purpose of assisting the parishioners’ view of the Mass.

  • Michael Leggett

    Updated NFL Scores? In London?

  • Michael Zimmerman

    Welcome to the future folks.

  • Thibaud313

    Brillant allusion to Cupertino, future Capital of the Brave New World.