VATICAN CITY–Media outlets around the world are buzzing with speculation this evening after viewing images showing Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI’s zucchetto nearly blowing off his head before the former pontiff entered the helicopter taking him to Castle Gondolfo. The 85-year-old former Pope was seen desperately clutching his signature white zucchetto as a gentle gust of wind pressed against him, nearly tipping the skullcap off his head, and now leading some to speculate about what really happened. “Wind has always been a symbol of the breath of God,” CNN correspondent Raymond Morales reported just hours ago. “So perhaps God was trying to send the world a message when he attempted to blow away Benedict’s zucchetto.” Morales went on to say that it was eerily similar to the day that Benedict XVI announced his resignation, and God showed his disapproval of him by using an unbalanced electric charge in the atmosphere to create a massive electrostatic lightening discharge that eventually struck the top of St. Peter’s. “That was obviously a divine condemnation of the Church’s intolerance…that we know for sure. Is this zucchetto incident a direct condemnation of Benedict himself? We’re still trying to piece that together.”
Belvue, KS–Conclavist claimant to the papacy David Bawden, better known as Pope Michael I, announced today in his Wednesday general audience to his mother and four individuals who happened to be walking by, that next year’s World Youth Day would be held at his next door neighbor’s backyard. “I announce with great joy that World Youth Day 2013 will take place in my neighbor Willie’s back yard,” Bawden proclaimed to the crowd of five from his porch as he rocked back and forth on his swing chair. The Pope’s spokesman, Mrs. Bawden, told the press that her son was excited with the location since it would provide spacious room for his three nieces and four nephews who are all expected to attend the annual event. “His holiness is very excited for World Youth Day. Last year we had a record turn out with nearly nine teenagers from over three countries show up. Technically three countries, I should say. Timmy, our newspaper boy, is part German, part Ukrainian, and part Czechoslovakian.”
CANTERBURY––The “mistake” was made by 21st century Pope and scholar known as Benedict XVI or God’s Rottweiler, the incoming Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby claims in his new book, Christ of Nazareth: The Baby Narratives, published on Thursday. “The Pope claims that the calculation of the beginning of our calendar, that being based on the birth of Jesus, was made by Dionysius Exiguus, who made a mistake in his calculations by several years…meaning that Jesus may have born years earlier than traditionally believed,” Welby says in his book. “Logically speaking, Jesus must have been born during the year 1, otherwise now would really be around the year 2004, and Pope John Paul ll would still be alive, which means that Pope Benedict would only be Cardinal Ratzinger, and not Pope Benedict, as is the name on his new book. As you can see, his argument is self-refuting.” Welby, known as a scholar in his own right, believes that Benedict XVI also makes other miscalculations in his new book when he claims that there were no donkeys or oxen in the manger during the Lord’s birth. “So then, dear people, how would one reconcile the Pope’s claims with the fact that in my home, at this very moment, there is a nativity scene beneath my flatscreen, within which lies an Ox, happily resting on a pile of cotton made to look like snow?”
Vatican City––According to the Vatican press office this week, tentative plans are being discussed with regards to a potential move of Orange County Diocese’s newly acquired Crystal Cathedral to Rome. The Cathedral was the home of the Reformed Church in America until it was bought out in 2010 by the Diocese of Orange. One Vatican official who asked to remain anonymous said Wednesday that a handful of Cardinals have proposed to offset the cost of the unprecedented move by the sale of an undisclosed church in Rome. No details have been revealed as to which churches in the Roman diocese are being considered, but some analysts believe that with the pope’s deep devotion and appreciation for glass made cathedrals, that the sale of the Sistine Chapel is not out of the question. Other questions being discussed at the time are whether the Crystal Cathedral can comfortably fit in what woud be its new location between the arms of the Bernini Columns in St. Peter’s Square, and whether the Cathedral would in fact take over St. John Lateran as the new ecclesial seat of the bishop of Rome.