Monthly Archives: January 2013

Female Parishioners Upset That Men Not Also Being Asked To “Set The Altar” Before Mass

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Baker, OR–Female Parishioners at St. John Bosco Parish in Baker, Oregon have sent a letter to Bishop Liam Cary accusing their pastor Fr. Maurice Alvarez as well as Deacon Bob Ley of sexism and chauvinism. The one-page complaint letter alleges, among other things, that Alvarez “sits back in the rectory with Deacon Bob every Sunday before Mass, laughing it up, while the women are made to dress the altar and do all the little things around the church.” Beverly Rapkin, who drafted the letter to Cary, told Eye of the Tiber this afternoon that Alvarez had never even once asked if they could use an extra hand. “It’s not that we even really need their help,” Rapkin said. “They’d probably just get in the way anyway. All we want is them to ask once in a while. Maybe some recognition or a thank you.” Rapkin went on to retorically ask Eye of the Tiber if this was the 50′s, and if not, then why all the men should just sit arournd while the women slave over an altar. At press time, Deacon Bob was apologizing, profusely, even though Beverly knows full well that he doesn’t just sit around all day, and that she wouldn’t be so upset if she could see the stress he was under at work.

Four Jesuit Missionaries Dead After Battle With Portuguese Colonists

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In memoriam:
Father Gabriel, Rodrigo Mendoza, Fielding, The Other Jesuit

Iguazu Falls, Argentina–Hundreds of Guarani tribe members, including four Jesuit missionaries, were slain early this week when their Mission, located atop the perilous Iguazu Falls on the boundaries of Argentina and Brazil, was attacked by a coalition of Spanish and Portuguese colonists. The Mission’s land, once under the protection of the Spanish, had been reapportioned according to a treaty signed last month, essentially transferring the land to the Portuguese.

Cardinal Altamirano, who oversees the Mission territories, came to the decision two weeks ago to abandon the Mission. He told Eye of the Tiber that the four Jesuits who helped convert the indigenous people had not only feared a Portuguese invasion, but also feared that the Portuguese colonists would make slaves of the Guarani. “I told them [the Guarani] they must leave the mission. I said that they were to submit to the will of God. They in response said that it was the will of God that they came out of the jungle and built the mission, and they did not understand why God had changed his mind. Then they stormed off, and I knew then that they were going to fight.” 

Reports now have surfaced alleging that at least some of the men who fought with the Guarani may indeed have been the Jesuits themselves. Altamirano confirmed to Eye of the Tiber that some of the members of the Jesuit Order had fought along side the Guarani, adding that the head of the Order in Iguazu Falls, Father Gabriel, had not participated in the bloodshed, but rather, had made a dramatic eucharistic procession, amidst gunfire and breathtaking music, with the women and children of the village before all, including Gabriel, were eventually gunned down. “Fr. Gabriel did not want to fight,” a half-naked little indigenous boy told Eye of the Tiber. “He told Brother Rodrigo that if might was right, then love had no place in the world. He said like this, he said, ‘It might be so. It might be so. But I don’t have the strength to live in a world like that, Rodrigo.’” Brother Rodrigo also died in the battle, with one witness saying that Rodrigo, who chose to fight rather than take part in the procession, died, staring, almost longingly at Father Gabriel, as if to say, “We both die now, but oh, how I now yearn to have died like you.”

In response to the massacre, Altamirano text messaged Portuguese Governor Don Hontar asking whether he [Hontar] had the effrontery to tell him that the slaughter was necessary. Hontar in response sent a reply informing Altamirano that the both of them must live in the world, and that the world is thus. Altamirano reportedly replied that thus had they made the world; thus had he himself made it.

At press time, Altamirano has written an email to the Pope covering the events that transpired at the Iguazu Falls, reading, “Holiness, now your priests are dead, and I am left alive. But in truth it is I who am dead, and they who live. For as always, your Holiness, the spirit of the dead will survive in the memory of the living.”

No Laity Found To Bring Up Gifts To Altar; Consecration Delayed Two Hours

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Toronto, Canada––Pastor of St. Dwenden Catholic Church in Toronto, Canada Ben Gregory was forced to postpone the consecration for nearly two hours early Sunday morning after lead usher Kevin Sarkosy was unsuccessful in locating anyone willing to bring up the bread and wine for the presentation of the gifts at Mass. “Obviously the presentation is as important to the Mass as the consecration is…everyone knows that,” Sarkosy told Eye of the Tiber as he and three others searched, frantically, for a willing family to present the gifts. “In fact, I go as far as to say that the laity’s role in presenting the gifts is as important as Father Gregory’s is in consecrating it. Without Mary’s Fiat, after all, there is no Jesus to be born; and without the laity’s Fiat in presenting, there is no bread to become Jesus…if you think about like that.” Sarkosy went on to report that everyone was acting very peculiar as he approached them to ask whether they would be interested in participating. “They all had their heads down…like they were praying or something,” Sarkosy chuckled. “I mean, me and my wife would’ve done it, of course, except that we had the money baskets to carry.

CNN Forced To Neglect Coverage Of March For Life Due To Breaking Footage Of Dolphin Stranded In NYC Canal

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Atlanta, GA––CNN PR director Richard Seymour apologized to viewers via twitter this afternoon after station officials realized they would not be covering the annual March for Life due to breaking footage released of a dolphin stranded in Brooklyn’s highly polluted Gowanus Canal. ”Un4tunately not gonna be covring the March on CNN,“ he wrote via his twitter page. “Luv the March but we R talking bout a life here.” Seymour later sat down with Eye of the Tiber, saying, “It seems like every year, about this time, some huge story breaks, and this year’s no exception. We deeply apologize to the half-million people at the March, as well as the millions of viewers who count on us daily to keep them abreast of important news stories as they happen.” Seymour went on to say that, with regards to the March, “There’s always next year.” At press time, Eye of the Tiber and CNN have been informed that the dolphin has passed. Seymour says that CNN will be covering the dolphin’s memorial service scheduled for tomorrow; all day.

Around The Clock Coverage As Tens Of People March To Protect European Starling Bird Eggs

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European Starling eggs.

Washington, DC–MSNBC has announced that they will be providing around the clock coverage of this weekend’s March for Life for European Starling eggs. According to network sources, the right to life and liberty for all creatures, including European Starlings, is ”paramount, and the most important issue of our day.” “The European Starling is one of the last remaining creatures in the country whose eggs are not protected under federal laws,” a source with MSNBC told Eye of the Tiber. “As professional journalists we’re called to cover this story as we would any story. As humans we’re called to cover this story to help reverse the unjust decision of Bunfield vs. Mitchell. Also, it’s not like there’s anything else going on this weekend.” The European Starling had its federal protection removed after the landmark decision of Bunfield vs. Mitchell in 1942, when the court voted 9-3, deciding that poachers had the right to take and dispose of European Starling eggs, so long as they had not hatched. “That it’s actually ok to poach a Starling egg before it hatches is horrifying,” spokesman for PETA Rita Kern told reporters. “The fact of the matter is that it dehumanises us. There is literally nothing more important than saving the lives of these vulnerable eggs…and I mean nothing. We applaud those at MSNBC for their efforts.”