Man Fasting From Meat On Fridays Turns On Inner Kobayashi Minutes Before Clock Strikes Midnight

March 19, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

  Noticing that he only had minutes before the clock struck midnight, local Catholic Marc Oliver turned on his inner Kobayashi and was able to devour a personal record of hot dogs in just minutes, sources are confirming. “I had lost track of time, but luckily I had my hot dogs lined up with two cups of water in the dining room,” Oliver said, adding that both cups of water were strictly... Read More

Local Catholic To Substitute Medium Deep Dish Stuffed-Crust Pizza For Meat On Fridays During Lent

February 19, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Local Catholic Ronny Edison announced today at a local Papa John’s Pizza that he was officially not eating meat on Fridays during Lent, in accord with teachings of the Church. The 24-year-old cradle Catholic explained to strangers waiting in line the reason why he had not ordered pepperoni or sausage on his pizza, saying that Catholics were forbidden to eat meat during Lent, going on... Read More

Catholic Dimwit Didn’t Even Know Wednesday Ashes Come From Cremated Pets

February 17, 2015 by  
Filed under Parish Life

Local Catholic dimwit Elton Price admitted to friends today that he had absolutely no clue that ashes used during Ash Wednesday Masses came from cremated pets. The parish ignoramus, who up until last week didn’t even know that Catholics worship Mary, thought that ashes actually came from branches used in the prior year’s Palm Sunday services, one friends reported to EOTT. “Elton has never... Read More

Skinny Southern California Girl Who Fasted From Carbohydrates And Fatty Foods Not Ready To Give Up Her Lenten Fast

April 21, 2014 by  
Filed under Parish Life

San Diego, CA–Despite having successfully fulfilled her Lenten fast from carbohydrates and fatty foods, skinny SoCal girl Amber Miller announced today that she would be continuing her fast indefinitely out of love for Jesus and her new set of rock-hard abs. “The Bible says that JC fasted for 40 days and 40 nights…and that obviously means he fasted from carbohydrates and fatty foods.... Read More

Pope Francis Gets Last F-Bomb Out Of System before Giving Up Cussing For Lent

March 4, 2014 by  
Filed under Vatican

VATICAN–His Holiness Pope Francis shocked the world today during a Papal Audience when he let one last F-Bomb fly before giving up cursing for Lent. “Those of us who are attached to the pleasures of this world, such as gambling, amassing wealth, or being addicted to having [expletive]…I mean, having fun…must make an effort this holy season of Lent to put aside the pleasures... Read More

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