New York, NY––Final preparations are underway in New York City this morning as hundreds of volunteers work to transform Times Square into party central in anticipation for tonight’s count down to the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. In the annual event celebrating the Blessed Virgin Mary’s divine motherhood to Jesus Christ, thousands are again expected to pack the streets of Times Square to watch the ball drop, ushering in another feast. “We’re all very excited for this year’s count down,” Times Square Director of Solemnity Festivities Candice O’Conner told Eye of the Tiber. “It’s amazing, the electricity and Catholic ferver that you feel once the ball begins to drop. Then when it drops and everyone exchanges kisses of peace and say prayers of thanksgiving…oh, it’s sight to behold.” New York’s own Catholic rap sensation Fr. Stan Fortuna is scheduled to take the stage at 10:45 pm followed by a chastity seminar by Jason Evert, ending just minutes before the Waterford Crystal Button is pressed, prompting the descent of the Theotokos Ball.
Washington, DC––Thousands of the nation’s ill-catechized Catholics protested outside the USCCB headquarters in Washington, DC last night, demanding better catechesis so as to better understand what Church teachings they are going to continue to ignore. 24-year-old Tanya Wilkins who spearheaded the protest told reporters that she feels the need for better catechesis because she had for years “unconsciously ignored teachings such as contraception and co-habitation without ever really knowing that the Church was even against such practices.” She went on to tell reporters that ever since she finished reading The Compendium of the Compendium of the Catechism of the Catholic Church that she felt she was being called to help enlighten the minds of others who were “unconsciously” denying the teachings of the Church. “Now when I tell people that I only attend Mass on Christmas and Easter, I know it’s because I just don’t care, and not just out of sheer ignorance of ‘my’ faith.”
ROME––Bishop Javier Echevarria Rodriguez, head of the Prelature of the Holy Cross and Opus Dei, countered what he called “unfair and ridiculous attacks” against Opus Dei on Immaculate Heart Radio this morning. “Because of documentaries, the mainstream media, as well as books like The DiVince Code,” he said, “far too many people have been seduced by the idea that we’re Catholic Freemasons; a secret society manipulating the Church from within. But these are all lies.” The Spanish Bishop offered what he called “a better alternative” for finding out the truth of Opus Dei, asking those interested in finding out more about the prelature to remember that “Midnight is the mark…downtown, between 4th and B, where Palm does root beside stone crypts, and below which, inscribed epitaph does mark the point, a hooded man shall greet thee; follow him to the way the furrow and the forge.”
Hoboken, New Jersey––It is being reported today that Timothy Perkins of Our Lady of Fatima Catholic Church in Hoboken, New Jersey continually made the wrong responses at Mass, despite having the new laminated translation guide in his hands. “He had it in his hands, but he wasn’t using it,” an unnamed parishioner who was sitting next to Perkins at Mass said, adding that Perkins’ baritone voice constantly threw off his own responses. “Honestly, though, how do you still not know the responses? He’s here every week, for goodness sakes.” Other parishioners told Eye of the Tiber that Perkins seemed so confused at one point that he had given up trying to say the correct responses for both the new and the old translation, at one point responding, “And also with your spirit as well.”
YOUR PARISH––”We’re taking every pew and every freaking seat in the house tonight and tomorrow, and you’re just gonna have to stand there and like it,” bitter Christmas/Easter Catholics told the nation’s practicing Catholics yesterday. “If we have to suffer and go, then you’re gonna suffer as we take your favorite weekly spot. You know which one…the one half way down the church on the outer aisle where you get that nice breeze; yeah…that one.” Citing their wives’ pointless and incessant insistence that they attend Christmas Mass, the nation’s nominal Catholics told Eye of the Tiber that it’s not like they want to take the good seats, “in fact,” they said, “the only seat we want are the ones on the edges of our couches,” but went on to explain that if they had to go, they might as well take your favorite seat, and, if possible, every other seat too, thereby forcing you to stand on one of the sides like an “idiot” as you awkwardly attempt to endure the stares of all those seated around you.