Area Catholic Offended by the Phrase “Merry Christmas”

December 3, 2012 by  
Filed under Politics, Uncategorized

New York, NY––Local Catholic and Liturgical stickler Gerry Brownstone was offended earlier today when leaving his local Food-Mart, after the greeter wished him a “Merry Christmas.” “Who does that guy think he is, saying that to me?” Brownstone said. “Advent has barely begun. The Liturgical Calendar has a Christmas season, you ignoramus, and it begins after the... Read More

Man Spends All Mass Angry At Jesus–His Gardener

November 29, 2012 by  
Filed under Parish Life, Uncategorized

Cincinnati, OH––It was reported this week that 34-year-old parishioner of Holy Family Parish in Cincinnati Karl Tucker spent all Mass Sunday bitter at his gardener, Jesus, for what he called “years of neglected requests.” “It just seems like he never listens anymore,” Tucker reported to friends after Mass. “Every week, it’s like, I ask him to cut my... Read More

Thousands Camp Outside Churches In Anticipation Of Black Friday Masses

November 22, 2012 by  
Filed under Mass, Uncategorized

Hundreds of church-goers stamped into Saint Theresa Parish on Black Friday, 2011, just moments before four are tragically trampled to death. As anticipated, thousands of church-goers have already camped out in front of churches all across the nation in anticipation of Black Friday Masses. Joseph Evanovich of New Orleans says that an opportunity to get closer to the tabernacle for Mass drove him... Read More

Liturgical Dancer Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Drugs

November 20, 2012 by  
Filed under Mass

It is being reported this morning that world-renowned liturgical dancer Doris Griffin has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. A USCCB spokesman said that trace amounts of an illegal substance were found in Griffin’s blood early Monday morning. This comes just days after reports that Griffin’s trainer, Jake Stately, admitted that he had not only injected Griffin before... Read More

ICEL Calls For All-Meme Missal Translation For Youth Masses

October 30, 2012 by  
Filed under Mass

Citing a need for the Church to “reach out to its estranged youth,” the International Commission on English in the Liturgy requested, and has already begun intensive work on, an all-meme edition of the Roman Missal. Representatives from the Commission, unhappy with the new translation of the Missal, shared their concern that the Church is not “speaking the language of the people.” “Young... Read More

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