Cincinnati, OH––It was reported this week that 34-year-old parishioner of Holy Family Parish in Cincinnati Karl Tucker spent all Mass Sunday bitter at his gardener, Jesus, for what he called “years of neglected requests.” “It just seems like he never listens anymore,” Tucker reported to friends after Mass. “Every week, it’s like, I ask him to cut my lawn a certain way, and he just goes ahead and does it his own way.”
Tucker, who said that he hired Jesus years ago after a friend, Dave Ross, recommended him, told Eye of the TIber a little about the day he learned about Jesus: “Me and Dave were sitting on my porch and I was telling him all about my problems with my lawn, and I think he could see the anguish in my eyes, and how shabby my lawn was looking…so he recommended Jesus to help tend it.” Dave Ross told Eye of the Tiber that his friend’s relationship with Jesus started off well, and that he [Tucker] was overjoyed, almost overzealous about how good his shrubs and trees were beginning to look. “He’d go around the neighborhood telling everybody about what Jesus had done for his lawn. It was really great to see.”
Ed Varner, Deacon at Holy Family Parish says that Tucker has recently begun to express dismay at the apperant silence of Jesus, often expressing to him that he feels as though his once beloved gardrner no longer cares. “You should’ve seen him at Mass today…Jesus was sitting right in front of him, and Karl wouldn’t talk to him…wouldn’t even make eye contact.”
Steubenville, OH––The University of Steubenville, best known for their strict adherence to the Magesterium of the Catholic Church, has decided that their football playbook will continue to contain no other play but the “Hail Mary”. ”Even in football we’re called to heed the words of St. Paul when he says, ‘Pray without ceasing,’” University President Reverend Terence Henry told Eye of the Tiber just moments after he released every running back and tightend from the roster. “No matter the situation, our quarterback will continue to exclusively throw a ‘Hail Mary’. And in this way shall we proclaim the power of the rosary.” And while some have criticized Henry, calling his eccentric decision to continue to limit his play book to “Hail Marys” nothing more than a publicity stunt for the small Catholic college, Henry believes otherwise. “Look…people only tend to pray in desperate situations, and that’s wrong…so why only use this play in desperate situations? All we’re trying to do is to show people that just as you ought to pray without ceasing, so then should you also use this play without ceasing…you following me?” But the radical decision made for a humiliating defeat in a game last month against Ave Maria University when, with Steubenville down by three points with one second left in the game and just one yard from the endzone, Quarterback Rich Vaughan stepped back to pass and launched the football through the uprights and clear into the stands.
The Barrio––Mother of Latino gang member “Joker” announced today that Sunday’s family hour of devotion before the elaborately tattooed image of Our Lady of Guadalupe on her son’s naked back was a complete success. “Everything was beautiful,” she told Eye of the Tiber. “He stood with his back turned to us, and we turned off the lights, and lit two candles, and put them on both sides of the sacred image of Nuestra Senora de Guadalupe.” Joker’s cousin Snoopy said that the 23-year-old’s gracefully inked flesh canvass was just short of the dazzling cloak of San Juan Diego. “When I looked at it, you know…It was like San Juan Diego’s cloak, you know…only, like a cloak made of flesh and not cotton.” Joker, who was a half-hour late for the devotions, apologized to family that had gathered, explaining that he was late due to extended holiday work hours at his job as a street pharmacist at the corners of 9th and Cesar Chavez Way.
Miami, FL––To help accommodate the diverse palates of Mater Dei University’s large Catholic student-body, President Jon Heinz has announced plans to build the largest cafeteria in the U.S. The cafeteria, which is tentatively scheduled to be built in the summer of 2014, would eventually replace the university’s main church at the center of campus. The plan was announced in a letter to donors Friday requesting extra funds to help pay for the multi-million dollar project. “Our students, like Catholic students all around the country, like nice, big cafeterias. They’re cafeteria Catholics, if you will. And here they’ll have all the freedom to pick and choose from a vast array of foods.” When asked what types of food the cafeteria planned to serve, Heinz said that the menu would never be set in stone, but rather, would be “ever evolving…like the ever evolving tastes of our students.” “Many of our students these days are so bogged down with their own parties and events that they often don’t have time to sit down and wait as warm meals are prepared for them. Therefore, we’re considering having a large selection of foods that wont take time to heat up. Lukewarm foods that are neither hot nor cold.”
Hundreds of church-goers stamped into Saint Theresa Parish on Black Friday, 2011, just moments before four are tragically trampled to death.
As anticipated, thousands of church-goers have already camped out in front of churches all across the nation in anticipation of Black Friday Masses. Joseph Evanovich of New Orleans says that an opportunity to get closer to the tabernacle for Mass drove him to forgo traditional Thanksgiving day family gatherings. “I’ve been camped out here since Monday hoping I could get one of those first couple pews I’ve been hearing all about.” Ronald and Rebecca Coen of Las Cruces, New Mexico have been camped out in front of Saint Genevieve Catholic Church since last Friday, and say they would do anything to get their “tongues on one of those newly consecrated hosts.” “Last year they ran out just before we were able to partake,” Ronald Coen told Eye of the Tiber. “We were lucky enough to get some bulletins, though. We gave a few to our parents, a couple to some friends, and one to our daughter…you should’ve seen her face.”
But with all the excitement of this year’s Masses, priests around the nation have warned parishioners against being overly frenzied when church doors open, many saying that a mad rush into churches could lead to more tragedies like one that occurred last year at Saint Theresa Parish in Palm Springs, California, where four people were trampled to death and seven others were injured just moments after the church doors opened.