VATICAN CITY–Media outlets around the world are buzzing with speculation this evening after viewing images showing Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI’s zucchetto nearly blowing off his head before the former pontiff entered the helicopter taking him to Castle Gondolfo. The 85-year-old former Pope was seen desperately clutching his signature white zucchetto as a gentle gust of wind pressed against him, nearly tipping the skullcap off his head, and now leading some to speculate about what really happened. “Wind has always been a symbol of the breath of God,” CNN correspondent Raymond Morales reported just hours ago. “So perhaps God was trying to send the world a message when he attempted to blow away Benedict’s zucchetto.” Morales went on to say that it was eerily similar to the day that Benedict XVI announced his resignation, and God showed his disapproval of him by using an unbalanced electric charge in the atmosphere to create a massive electrostatic lightening discharge that eventually struck the top of St. Peter’s. “That was obviously a divine condemnation of the Church’s intolerance…that we know for sure. Is this zucchetto incident a direct condemnation of Benedict himself? We’re still trying to piece that together.”
VATICAN CITY–The Italian Newspaper La Rupubblica is reporting today that a member of the Vatican Curia confirmed to them that, barring a shocking upset, the former head of the Los Angeles Diocese Cardinal Roger Mahony has all but locked up his spot as the Catholic Church’s 266th Bishop of Rome. “An anonymous member of the Curia has revealed to us that the gay lobby working within the Vatican is now lobbying for Cardinal Mahony to succeed Benedict. They believe he is best suited for the job,” a reporter for La Repubblica, Luigi Rossi, told reporters. “When we asked the Curia member how they were progressing, he told us that ‘Mahony’s pretty much got this Pope thing in the bag,’ and that the only question that remained was what name he would be taking. Members of the Curia unanimously believe that Mahony can fix the mess in the Church just as he did the mess in Los Angeles. Basically, if he runs things just the same as he ran things in the L.A. diocese, as well as the way he ran his annual Los Angeles Religious Congress, the Church should be just fine…like the Episcopalians. At press time Mahony has sent a message to his twitter followers reading, “Yup, got this Pope thing on lock #JP3WeLoveThee?
VATICAN CITY–Sources close to Pope Benedict revealed today that the ultimate reason for his resignation was not his old age, but in fact an inability to keep up with the “fabulousness” of the Roman Curia. “The Holy Father is a simple man,” our sources said, “and can’t keep up with the non-stop furniture re-arrangements, the hair stylings, or the near-hourly musical numbers he found himself surrounded by in the Vatican.” The source revealed that, in mid-conversation, members of the Roman Curia often break out into song and dance routines “in order to better express their feelings.” It was apparently this exuberant, flamboyant lifestyle that the Holy Father felt he could not keep up with in his old age. “I mean, just look at the way he dresses. There’s no way he could do mid-air splits in that old cassock. And white is so 2010.” The source added, “I mean, he did pull out the pink chasuble once or twice a year, but that’s not exactly up to speed on the amount of flare expected these days in the Vatican.” The source concluded, addressing the tiny dog he was carrying: “Is it pwincess?”
Houston, TX–Just weeks after being appointed a new young pastor, parishioners at St. Agatha Catholic Church in Houston, Texas were baffled this morning when they saw a large, gold, ”magical box-looking thingy” sitting directly behind the altar as they entered St. Agatha Catholic Church. ”Well, we all walked in to church this morning and saw this golden box placed right where our old pastor, Fr. Rick, sat during the Mass,” a visibly shaken parishioner Carli Welk told reporters. “And we all just looked at each other and were all like, ‘What is that?’ I told everyone to slowly back away from it.” Welk is now being heralded as a hero after calmly rushing all of the parishioners outside where she proceded to dial 9-1-1. ”I don’t consider myself a hero,” she later reported to a local Houston area news affiliate. ”I just did what I had to, you know? We didn’t know what was in there or whether the thing itself was dangerous. Some thought it was just an ornate refrigerator carrying some kind of supernatural bread…others actually thought there might actually be a body in there. Better safe than sorry.” At press time, state officials have been called to the scene after St. Agatha’s new pastor was seen on his knees before the shiny gold box, reportedly transfixed and completely succumbing to the yet to be identified powers of the box.
Madison, WI––It is being reported that the two unidentified Catholics who rushed the altar this morning to assist Fr. John Zuhlsdorf during the Mass were injured after they were shocked by electric altar rails installed by the priest. Zuhlsdorf, the well known Catholic priest and blogger, told Eye of the Tiber that he initially did not know what happened. “I was preparing to have the electrified rails turned off so I could distribute Holy Communion when I heard the sound of something grilling. I remember the lights began to flicker like someone was being electrocuted in the Green Mile.” Witnesses say that the two unidentified Catholics were not parishioners, but visitors. “Everyone here knows that Father’s got it under control up there,” one parishioner told reporters. “He electrified the altar rails for just this reason…visitors who don’t know better.” Ruth Hawkins, another witness, told Eye of the Tiber that the first woman electrified just moments after the Mass began was overheard saying, “the poor priest needs to stop mumbling and speak up into his microphone so we can all hear him,” before attempting to run up and quietly inform him of his gaffe. The other woman electrified was reportedly “disgusted” that no one was assisting Zuhlsdorf distribute, and was attempting to “give him a hand.” She reported from her hospital bed late this afternoon that, after some reflection, she believed no parishioner wanted to help him because he had offended the congregation by rudely turning his back to them all Mass long. Parishioners report that the church smelled of chicken for the rest of the Mass. The two women are expected to make full recoveries.