People Preparing McCarrick Report Same People As Counting Votes In Nevada

After days of ballot counting in Nevada, officials from the state revealed earlier this morning that they were, in fact, the same people that were... Read More

Mass

Study Finds That Tripping Over Vestments And Falling On Face During Mass Sucks A Lot

According to a new study by the USCCB, tripping over your vestments while walking to the altar before falling face first in front of everyone you just passive-aggressively burned during the homily for not donating enough sucks big time. “Of... Read More

Questions Arise After Mother Neglects To Remove Hysterical Child From Mass

Eugene, OR––In the immediate aftermath of the Mass in which parishioner Heather Thomas neglected to remove her crying child to the cry-room during the homily, family of the 26-year-old mother were quick to blame the non-removal of the... Read More

Eucharistic Minister Sanitizing Hell Out Of Hands Before Distributing Communion

Local Eucharistic Minister Courtney Smith has been sanitizing the living hell out her hands for the past two minutes in preparation to distribute Holy Communion, parishioners are reporting. According to parishioners at the 9:30 morning Mass... Read More

Creepy Clown Masses On The Rise

Image: Graeme Maclean Reports out of Cincinnati, Ohio today suggest sightings of Creepy Clown Masses are on the rise nationwide, and at levels not seen since the introduction of the 3rd typical edition of the Roman Missal five years ago. While... Read More

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Libs & Trads

Clown At Circus Mass Reprimanded For Honking Sanctus Horn At Wrong Part Of Consecration

Sources say that just minutes after a Circus Mass at St. Pius X Catholic Church concluded earlier this morning, Church Pastor and Ring Master Fr. Reggie Smith reprimanded... Read More

Second Year Of Mercy To Allow An Individual’s Conscience To Absolve One’s Own Sins

The Vatican announced today that they will be opening a second Year of Mercy. The initiative is intended to address the crisis in the sacrament of confession and... Read More

Pope Encourages Women To Reveal Breasts In Sistine Chapel, Feminist Newspaper Reports

VATICAN––“He is 77, celibate, and the Vicar of Christ; a role which, up until his papacy, was known for its prudishness,” Evi Quinn, journalist for the... Read More

Catholics For Choice Asks Vatican To Allow Abortions In Cases of Rape, Incest, Impending Prom

The pro-choice organization Catholics for Choice today sent a request to the Vatican asking them to ease restrictions on abortion in cases of rape, incest, and impending... Read More

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Politics

Audience Of Undecideds Patiently Await Good Zinger To Decide Their Vote

Mike Segar/Reuters After patiently enduring a 90-minute presidential debate... Read More

U.S. Bishops Meet In Baltimore To Discuss Churches Providing Safe Spaces From Hostile Catholic Teachings

Image: nfutvol The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops met in Baltimore... Read More

Chicago School Board Bans Crosses And Lower Case T’s

In the midst of the political firestorm regarding Montgomery Elementary... Read More

Fox News Petitions Holy See For New Republican Rite

Photo: AndrewHermez Fox News Channel has petitioned the Holy See for approval... Read More

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Vatican

Francis Hit With Tranquilizer Dart By Swiss Guard Seconds After Putting Down Scripted Statement To Speak Off-Cuff

Photo: AndrewHermez   Pope Francis was hit with a tranquilizer dart this afternoon just... Read More

Francis Won’t Stop Posting Pictures Of Meager, Humble Meals On Instagram

Pope Francis has launched his new Instagram account with a comment in which he said,... Read More

Vatican Offering Cyber Monday 50% Off Sale On All Indulgences

Even though far more Catholics shopped online than in churches on Black Friday... Read More

Many Disappointed First-Ever Black, Jewish, Woman, Lesbian Pope Not Elected

  A Catholic Argentinian Man VATICAN–Sadness and a general sense of ennui... Read More

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