People Preparing McCarrick Report Same People As Counting Votes In Nevada
After days of ballot counting in Nevada, officials from the state revealed earlier this morning that they were, in fact, the same people that were... Read More
Mass
Colorado Priest To Appoint Entire Parish Eucharistic Ministers
Loveland, CO––Saint Perpetua Parish Priest Father Nick Farley announced Friday that he would be appointing every single parishioner at his church an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion. “In due respect to the amount of Extraordinary... Read More
Pope Francis To Defrock 300 Priests For Failing To Say ‘Good Morning’ At The Beginning Of Mass
VATICAN––Shortly after it was revealed that his predecessor, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, defrocked 400 priests for sexual abuse of minors, Pope Francis decreed the immediate removal of priestly faculties for 300 priests from Europe and... Read More
Liturgical Dancer Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Drugs
It is being reported this morning that world-renowned liturgical dancer Doris Griffin has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. A USCCB spokesman said that trace amounts of an illegal substance were found in Griffin’s blood... Read More
Vatican Approves New Emoji Translation Of Mass
The Vatican announced today that Pope Francis has approved a new emoji translation of the Mass to help young adults more actively follow along during church services. “We’ve found that most young adults can no longer read complete sentences... Read More
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Libs & Trads
Obama Invited To Say Mass At Notre Dame
Southbend, IN––Three years after Notre Dame invited Barack Obama to deliver the commencement speech to its graduating class, the university has now reportedly... Read More
Forward-Thinking Traditionalist To Allow Wife To Wear Pants
Traditionalist husband Arthur Nash issued his wife of eighteen years, Carla Nash, permission to wear pants “in a manner that is conducive to comfort,... Read More
Pope Michael I Announces Location Of Upcoming World Youth Day
Pope Michael I interviewed by reporters after the World Youth Day announcement Belvue, KS–Conclavist claimant to the papacy David Bawden, better known as... Read More
2-Year-Old Boy Named Lefebvre Being Extremely Disobedient To Father
Chino, CA–Citing his son’s refusal to adhere to any of his warnings, Robert Kosheta, once proud father of local 2-year-old Lefebvre Kosheta, reported... Read More
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Politics
Pelosi On Virgin Sacrifices During Satanic Masses: “This Is Sacred Ground To Me As Well”
Washington, DC––Members of the pro-life movement have denounced... Read More
Local Priest Approves Transgender Confessionals
Pastor of St. Vitus Catholic Church Father David Hitchens said Wednesday... Read More
Supreme Court Demands Apology From God For Sodom And Gomorrah
Just hours after ruling that all Americans, no matter their sexual orientation,... Read More
[Breaking] Biden Steps Down As VP Hours After Becoming Pro-Life
Former Vice President Joe Biden attending Pope Francis’ Installation... Read More
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Vatican
[Mayan Apocalypse Update] Head Of CDF Tells Liberal Catholics To Hide Until Notified To Come Out
VATICAN––In anticipation of today’s apocalypse, the head of the Congregation of... Read More
Local Doctor Tells Patient to Stop Being “Obsessed” with his Cancer
Minneapolis, MN––Dr. Simon Townsend, in an interview with United States Magazine,... Read More
Pope Francis Meets With Carrot Top
Image: Timothy Evans American stand-up comedian Scott Thompson, better known... Read More
Pope Francis Calls Zack Snyder To Complain About Choice Of Ben Affleck For Batman
Hollywood, CA––”Hello, it’s Pope Francis,” were the first... Read More